Tuesday, June 10, 2008

ego freak-out

Wow, did I have an ego freak-out or what? This past Saturday I read a few bits from Being Nobody, Going Nowhere by Ayya Khema. It spoke of Equanimity (Even-minded, like a go with the flow mindset) vs. Indifference (along with a few other topics) in Chapter 4. For whatever reason, my ego flipped out on me. For about 15-30 minutes (or longer) I questioned what I had been doing for the past 4 years.

Was I really a better person now?
Was I doing this all wrong & screwing up myself?
Was I really just indifferent instead of even-minded?
Was I really just hurting people and being cold & callous?
Was I being selfish in not being what others wanted me to be?

Did I just waste 4 years of my life cultivating my mind in this manner?

Thankfully my husband was here too. He asked if I thought any of this was true, what was my solution to it? I said I didn't know, my thoughts hadn't gone that far. He said the ego will give you no solutions, just problems. Afterwards he meditated (I always typo 'medicated' & have to correct it), and I did the same. I like to do light visualization meditations, and this one refreshed me back to my giddy, airy, light self.

I haven't had those depressed feelings in a while. I have experienced depressed emathy recently, but not the depressed where you feel really desolate & hopeless as though it's really you/yoursoul that's feeling it. It was nice being able to "snap" out of it. Back in high school, it took a few years before the depression subsided.

And so onward I continue, whether my ego likes it or not.

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