Thursday, September 4, 2008

rollercoaster in emoland

Last night was a doozy.  My husband and I got into a disagreement over money (of all things) and had some unhelpful misunderstandings (where I was trying to help at one point and he thought I was antagonizing him).  At one point while we were discussing something, and he said he didn't even know why I was acting a certain way, I realized that I didn't know why either.  At that moment when I realized that, I just felt blank.  Empty.  I had no thoughts on the matter but confusion at me being blank.  That didn't help much either.  

Later, there was a period of time where he was by himself in the bedroom and I in the living room with only my insane thoughts swarming my mind.  Whenever there is some sort of tension or heated discussion that results in me crying, I usually place blame and burden upon myself.  It's unwarrented and quite ridiculous, but my emotions (when feeling down) tend to snowball into a huge, negative "I'm a horrible person who is driving my husband crazy and will eventually lose him because of my stupidity!!!" catastrophe.  Except now I at least recognize what I am doing when in this stage, and eventually try to tell myself to stop these untrue thoughts, that I am not a horrible person, that Aaron loves me no matter what.

After said unpleasantness passed (as all things do), we had a very loving and intimate day today where we talked all evening and made a pact to spend more time together (not just being in the same room, but doing activities that really involve each other).  I am glad that this came out of the ride I took through Emoland last night.

And this is just me putting out there that by no means am I where I'd like to be one day mentally, but there is progress.  I still have my moments where my emotions freak out like anyone else.  But I am also trying to practice mindfulness of these emotions that like to parade around as myself, but really just like to manipulate me into self-destructive actions.  Not that all emotions do that, just the ones I have most trouble with.

Ah, the joys of learning :)

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