Friday, November 7, 2008

nurtured by nature & children

With the start of a new job I have taken, I now reflect on my time from March (when I left my job) to November. It is odd that during these months while I was scanning for the "big picture," I was unable to see it. I told myself to take the time to feed my spiritual thirst, nurture my soul. I read a number of spiritual books, revisited the Bible, meditated and reflected. At times I was restless & confused, and other times quite restful & content.

About a month or two after I left my job I contacted my cousin who lives in the area. From there a quick and close relationship developed between myself and his family. I helped with the gardening, I babysat the kids, I enjoyed the simple life. That's all it was to me at the time, simple, pure living. I look back and now see that I was being nurtured by my family, though they had no conscious clue. They would actually jokingly apologize for having me over doing work for them all the time. I always said it was my pleasure. It was my pleasure tending the earth, and learning from their children.

I must say that babysitting even just once a week for their children taught me how counterproductive being uptight is. You just can't happily be uptight with children, or in life.

With me taking this new job and having to leave babysitting, I had felt guilt for "abandoning" my family. Before that I had stopped tending the garden for a variety of reasons, partially due to my social uneasiness with returning staff, partially due to re-enjoying being quarantined in the apartment, so to speak. I felt guilty on both fronts.

But now I really think it is just my time to take my new self and set forth on my path once again. After going through Life Boot Camp at my old job, re-cooping & being nurtured over the summer by my family & self, it is time to re-emerge. I do have a dream of being a holistic massage therapist. I wasn't sure it was what I wanted during and after college so I let it go. I started thinking about it again seriously during my last job though. Since then my convictions have only gotten stronger, and now I believe it is time to earnestly pursue this dream.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There is something else to be said of this period where I felt in limbo. I might as well mention it here instead of a new post. During the portions of this time when I felt restless and confused, I wondered if I was wasting my time, my life, with this spiritual stuff. It is normal to have doubts about ones beliefs, and that's what I was having. When you're in a vulnerable position though, it's not particularly helpful and can feel magnified. During these doubts I would wonder if maybe I was a bit crazy. Though these instances were not often at all, and were overcome, they are not enjoyable things to be thinking when you're alone in an apartment and unemployed.

My fluctuating uneasiness with my unemployment has to do with the fact that our society equates one's monetary worth with one's value as a person. The reason I left my job was because I realized I valued my quality of life more than the nice paycheck I was receiving. The summer was a continual test to place my quality of life over the quantity of money I was receiving. My husband can testify that I wasn't Miss Perfect Zen during this test. I was relying on my faith in my spiritual beliefs that this was all for a reason, that I was learning something from this. Through it I gathered strength and resolve.

The day after I had my hasty job interview & was hired, I was reading Sanaya Roman's Spiritual Growth. I got to Chapter 13: Going Through The Void. Let me quote one section here:

The void occurs when you are letting go of an aspect of your personality self that no longer fits who you are becoming. It represents a new level of surrendering your personality to the guidance of your Higher Self; it is the birth of a new part of your Higher Self into this reality.

The void is a state of transition and change.

You will experience the void again and again as you grow. In this state you may feel that your life is changing rapidly, something new is coming, or your foundations are falling away, leaving you nothing solid to hang on to. You may feel like something is happening inside but not see any changes in your life yet. It is not a comfortable place for your personality, which likes things to be certain and secure.

The void can come when you are between projects, have just had your last child leave home, or have quit a job and do not yet know what to do next. One of your close friends may have left or you need to move or find a new home. It sometimes feels like you are entering a new world where the game is played differently and you don't yet know the rules.

pg 128

That pretty much sums up what I was feeling even underneath my restful and content times. I was quite delighted to read this section as I was now emerging from this time. Then yesterday my husband bought me a new book I wanted called Healing Hands by Barbara Ann Brennan. I had already read a few pages at the bookstore the previous day. When he brought it home yesterday the first thing I did was flip to the last page and read this:

When you understand that life is experienced as a pulsation, you expand and feel joyous, you move into the silence of peace, and then you contract. [...] But remember, by the very nature of the expanded high energy state, you will later contract, and feel more of the separated consciousness that is inside of you. The sheer force and intensity of the spiritual energy knocks loose and begins to enlighten the stagnated dark soul substance. As it comes back to life again, you experience it as real. All of its pain, aner and agony. You may say to yourself "Why now I'm worse than I was before I started." Let me assure you that this is not true. You are more sensitive. After experiencing these ups and downs, these expansions and contractions many times for each personal issue, you will find that they do clear away. Months later you will say, "Wow! I don't do that any more."

pg 280
This was speaking again of the conditions one experiences with major change. It was completely reassuring to read this, and the former excerpt, the days after my re-emerging and acceptance of my new job. Then today, while gearing up for my holistic massage therapist dream I visited the website of a massage school I want to attend. I notice they have an open house event where they host a free hour introduction into massage therapy. The date for this event is on my upcoming birthday. Who is to say if this is purposefully symbolic or not, but either way I registered for the event.

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