Friday, September 11, 2009

New Blog

This is something I have been contemplating for a little while. For certain reasons I want to change this and my other blog url so I'm just creating new ones. If you want to continue to follow they will be linked on my facebook soon. If you are not on my facebook, then leave a comment with your email.

Friday, August 28, 2009

A Partner In Crime

So now for some fun stuff. After being mopey yesterday about my husband not responding to my experience I went and played with meditating with crystals. It was a cool introduction. I started off with a smokey quartz placed over my first chakra and meditated, focused allowing myself to feel the crystal's energy. When I was ready I took that one off and put a citrine quartz on my second chakra, repeat; lapis on my fifth chakra, repeat; amethyst on my sixth chakra, repeat; clear quartz on my 7th chakra. I skipped my third and fourth since I don't have corresponding stones at the moment.

I could definitely tell the difference between the crystals. Smokey was heavy, denser, more mellow. The higher up the chakras I get, the lighter and quicker their energy felt. I enjoyed the first and fifth ones the best. Fifth was akin to floating on a cloud.

I tried meditating with Smokey on my first and the clear quartz on my fifth. It was interesting to feel the difference at the same time.

During these meditations though it came to me that I should invite Aaron to join me in my experiments. As I reflected on it, I felt that he really would enjoy doing the crystal meditations and the channel breathing.

So after work I asked him if he wanted to join me in such things; he said yes! So he did the crystal meditations that evening and enjoyed it like I thought he would. Tonight he's going to try the channel breathing.

I'm always happy to have him join me which so happen to alleviate my mopiness on that topic. Lately he's been stretched thin with getting the new job, moving, and other things, so I think he appreciated me asking since otherwise it would have taken a while before he forced himself to take some break from all his web developing.

What A Morning!

For the past two weeks there has been lingering issues between my husband and his former employer, mainly that the latter has yet to pay my husband his final check. In our state it is required for the employee to be given their final pay on their last day of work if 72 hours notice has been given, which it was. Neither my husband nor his former employer knew this at the time. A week later when he still hadn't gotten paid I began wondering what the law was, and dug up that nugget.

This week the former employer has been saying he's working on it, then said he would do direct deposit and that it should go through on a certain day. Well that day passes and still no pay. Then the employer starts saying it actually can take up to 3 days for it to go through, claiming it should be in our account by Monday the latest. This doesn't match up to when he said he processed the check but whatever.

My husband and I are very frustrated by this. I keep pressuring my husband to threaten legal action (and take it) since legally he's supposed to be paid for the days after his final check is due if he still hasn't received it. He's more concerned with actually getting the check (as was I in the beginning) and believes his boss is childish and ignorant enough to withhold my husband's pay if Aaron threatens such a thing. Plus my husband doesn't believe we have any real chance of getting the money if we take the legal route.

Did I mention we have $5 in our account at the moment, and won't get paid from his new job until Tuesday? Add that to the frustration.

So all this frustration and disagreement came to a crash this morning while I was walking with my husband to his new job. It escalated to the point where I started crying and saying I wouldn't say anything more about it. Hugged, kissed, left.

My husband sent me a few text messages apologizing for how he acted (not what he said, just how), but also agreeing with me on some things. Although I really appreciated these gestures (and I sent him my white flag as well), my mind was still stuck in its Oh Woe Is Me setting.

I was feeling mopey and crying until I got near home, and switched over to just being mopey. I bet I even looked real mopey. Then going down the last street until our apartment, a woman smiled at me and said, "Good morning." That in itself was a miracle since I'm sure I was the most uninviting looking person to say good morning too. It made me feel a little better. Then not too much further this guy sitting at the waiting bench in from of (what I believe is) an assisted living complex said, "Good morning" too and asked how I was doing. I said, "Okay" in a not so okay tone. He said, "Well, I hope you have a wonderful day!" I genuinely thanked him, and after that told myself I wasn't going to be mopey anymore. I took those two people as a sign that something was telling me to cheer up & get over it, so I am.

So somehow a morning that started off on a lousy foot ended up teaching me a lesson and cheering me up before noon has even approached.

To tie this in with Melissa's Contentment post I will add what I treasure in my life:
  • My willingness to improve my life, even if it's as small as turning my morning around.
  • My husband for his love, his honestly, and his ability to recognize when he was acting jerky and actually apologize for it ;)
  • My husband's new job that has its act totally together, and that starts paying on the 1st!
  • My continued search for truth.
  • That I am open minded enough to experience with things that others may deem as ridiculous like engery work and crystals :)
Feel free to read Melissa's post at The Inspired Room, and add your own list as well :)

Have a Wonderful Day!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

expect nothing

I shared my experience yesterday with my husband and with my mom. Sometimes I do not understand my husband. I told him the whole event and he had nothing to say. Literally. A couple smiles & raised eyebrows, the kind of thing you do when you can think of nothing to say. This shouldn't upset me but it does get under my skin at times. Only when I'm sharing something I find really interesting with him and then I get nothing from him. I know it shouldn't matter what he thinks or how he responds. It just makes me feel really vulnerable and then I start wondering if he thinks I'm crazy, which I know he will say no and maybe get upset I think that. The times I have asked why he hasn't said anything he simply says it's because he has nothing to say & isn't thinking anything. Oh well, another issue I need to work on.

My mom thought it sounded scary and that was pretty much that. I guess if I knew someone who had these different experiences I would be very interested and ask questions and such. But they're not me so I shouldn't expect that. Guess that's what this blog is for.

I picked up some small crystals yesterday. I've been reading this book from the library about crystal energy and healing, so I want to experiment with that. Try tuning in to their energies this afternoon.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Okay, so Day 3 of meditating and I have the most "holy shit!" experience yet. It was so powerful and engulfing that I immediately called the Reiki master I'm learning from and my former massage therapy instructor (who is also the intuitive) to share and ask for advice. I'll write it down now lest I forget how powerful it was later on.

I was seated in the poang chair doing some channel breathing. It's just where when you breath in you imagine the light above your head coming down through you body, and when you breath out you imagine the light coming up from the earth to your head. It's to help clear your channel and chakras, something good to do before doing any sort of healing work on someone. I had done this type of breathing a couple times just for a tiny bit (like a minute or two), would start to feel tingley, and then stop. Well this time I decided to stay with it and keep going.

Immediately I start to get that tingley sensation. The more I breath, the strong the sensation becomes. I want to see what will happen if I just stick with it so I continue. Remember when I had my first "holy shit" moment with my first Reiki attunement? Well I start to get the same degree of sensations here, except the more I go, the more intense it becomes. For whatever reason I decide to stand up. Next time I won't only because my feet and lower legs become completely engulfed in the intense, heavy sensations. I personally couldn't feel them. I was afraid I'd fall over but then set that fear aside. The sensations were also very strong at my third chakra, chest, throat and head. Later they become strong on my upper back.

I kept my Love Light Peace mantra going (that's what I usually repeat when I meditate). At one point I thought I should try to say it out loud. That's when I discovered I could barely talk. Really I'd say I couldn't talk. It was so hard to get one word out, and when I did it was with a very deep voice, one that I cannot do voluntarly. In fact I had never heard myself like that before.

I asked myself if I had any messages for me, or any advice. I was basically told to learn, practice and heal. I was told to trust in "it" aka me aka god. There was nothing elaborate shown or said to me.

I decided I wanted to end it. I had been holding my hands over my heart in a prayer position. When I tried to move my arms I realized I couldn't. It was like my upper back was cement. Slowly I extened my arms out like a "T." The sensations were starting to reside though were still very present in/on my head, throat & feet. I started to make circles with my arms, going up over my head and down to my abdomen, asking to be grounded to the earth and grounded to my body. I've never asked that before, but I just thought that would help. I said it with authority too. The sensations lessened a lot, but were still being felt. I next did Reiki on myself, focusing on my 1st chakra to help ground more. That helped my legs a lot. They finally felt inhabited. My eyes and head were still a little zappy though.

Then I just had to talk to someone about it, someone who could help me understand what just happened & give me advice. First I called the Reiki master I learn under, and left a message. Then I called my former instructor. While I was leaving a message with the latter the former called me back. So I quickly ended the message and answered her call.

I relayed what had happened and she was a bit astounded, even more so when she learned I had only been doing it for several minutes or so before I got into that state. She said it sounded like I was in a very deep, altered state; also that I was obviously a clear, powerful channel and that I probably didn't need to do that breathing techniqure to clear my channel the way others need to. We talked about kundalini and how it related to what I felt. She shared some of her experiences and just really helped me. Since I'm a novice without much training in this area we both thought it was a good idea to not do it much until I got more education & training in it. I'd rather focus on the Reiki myself.

I'll probably get a call from my instructor later and it'll be good to get her input too.

So... that's what I did this afternoon. Back to my cheesy Cantonese pop love songs.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


My renewed spirit wants to get crackin' on my massage therapist hours. I only need about 75 or less more to be certified in my new area (I moved!).

I want to practice more. I have my husband to practice on but would like more people. Must figure something out there.

I want to meditate at least daily again. I did so yesterday and this morning. You wonder how you ever got out of the habit, but it happens. So here I am giving it a renewed effort.

I want to get back in shape. There's a 5k in October that I am striving towards now. Totally doable.

Lastly but most importantly I want to be a shining, peaceful light in this world. I want to help it strive to be everything positive it can be. What I mean is I am a shining, peaceful light. What I want is to be as conscious of this purpose as I can be. For the past several weeks I have been cocooned in anxious wait, hoping and wishing that my husband got the job that he has now landed (hence our move). I let my diet and exercise go to the wayside. I started ignoring myself and focused more on the external. Well that changed yesterday.

Cheers to renewal!

Monday, August 24, 2009


I have been re-inspired today. It started this morning when I walked over to Barnes & Noble to finish reading a chick lit book. After I had done that, I went to the New Age section to read a Brian Weiss book. My step-mother-in-law lent me one of his books which I enjoyed, so I wanted to start reading another. I read the second half of his Same Soul, Many Bodies book. Completely inspiring; completely put me in the most positive, optimistic mindset. A nice way to start my new living in my new location. Then I walked back home and there was a new post in a blog I follow. This is the post, which completely fit in with my newly inspired mindset. I wanted to share it.

Betting on an Invisible Future

Betting on an Invisible Future
As received by Gillian MacBeth-Louthan

You have each walked into a stairway of questing, of questioning, of asking what is the next step of my journey, of my heart, of my mission. You stand at the top of the stairway to heaven, but it does not connect to anything that you can feel or see. Your hearts' desires live above the patterns of the mass consciousness and the mass manifestations. As you reach into your higher heart for higher truths, higher lights and higher loves; you also reach for higher creational abilities. These manifestations live in the invisible. They are visible only in your mind, in your heart and in your dreams. But they are invisible in your physical world.

You are asked to place all of your desires, your wants, and your needs -upon an invisible future. There are so few that truly know without a doubt that the invisible will manifest in accordance with how deeply, how strongly, how powerfully they believe. You cannot see your future because your future does not live here on earth. It has not come as of yet. It has not manifested, you are ahead of your creations. In this there is great frustration, as you feel all alone in your creations. It is like baking a cake from a cake mix box that has no directions on it, putting it into an oven that is invisible and turning on a timer that does not exist.

Each of you holds your personal 'vision in invisibility.' Every great person that has existed on this earth has held the vision in a place of invisibility. First they imagined it, then they embraced it, and then they loved it until the invisible became true. It did not come by some divine decree. It came into manifestation through the hearts, the yearnings and the desires of those that called it into existence.

You are responsible for creating the invisible dream that dwells in your heart. You hold it as one who holds a baby bird in their hands - comforting it, giving it warmth, nurturing it. You are continually birthing what you need, and what you desire. Most people give up before it is manifested -- the very day the birth is to be announced they quit, they stop, and they walk away. They think who will notice? Who will care? Everything of life notices and everything of life cares! All of Earth was ready to welcome in that manifestation that you so lovingly created, and germinated inside of your heart and that you so thoughtlessly aborted before it was birthed.

Trust the seeds that you have planted. You must trust that what your soul yearns for is true and will come forth and be birthed. The Creator does not ever and can not ever hold back from you or sequester something from you. You are given full reign on earth. You are the ones that will birth the future. When you see a need, fill it. At that moment in time the universe is saying to you - "Help me to birth this. Help God to birth it by just holding the vision long enough for it to manifest".

Each of you is asked continually to help birth a better future, a better Earth, just by you're thinking. Hold the vision of goodness for your world - not just your own creations. Whenever you have an opportunity to seed another's thought - give them the gift of what you know to be truth and hope. Hold that gift long enough until it is birthed. Do not ever give up on it. The Creator, the Source has never given up on you. Do not give up on others. Do not laugh at their dreams or toss their dreams to the wind because sometimes a person's dreams is all that they have to live for. Help to birth the dreams, the desires, and the invisible into the visible.

Gillian MacBeth-Louthan | PO box 217 | Dandridge, Tennessee 37725-0217 | Spiritual Tools for Accelerated Transformation | | *

Friday, August 7, 2009

This sounds cool

Foundations of Acupressure. Sep 12, 2009
125 hours

Acupressure is an ancient healing art which uses the same theory and points as Acupuncture, utilizing fingertips rather than needles. This class combines learning the theory of Traditional Chinese Medicine and Qi Gong movements with the study of Acupressure. The focus will be on the history, philosophy, scientific studies and practical applications of acupressure.
  • You will learn to utilize specific points on yourself and others to improve:vitality , reduce fatigue, releive neck and shoulder tension and basic tuina massage for relaxation.
  • Included in this Foundations class are study and learn:
  • Meridian body clock
  • 100 + points, location, function, combination, uses
  • Assessments through pulse, tongue, face reading, palpitation, asking questions...
  • Basic 5 Elements
  • Anatomy - internal organs, skeletal structure
  • Qi Gong - Eight Pieces of Brocade
  • Hands-on supervised practice every day of this course
Hopefully I'll get to take it soon.

Monday, July 13, 2009


OrchidImage by *santosh via Flickr


Reiki II
7 Hours
This class extends your knowledge of Reiki. You will learn about distance healing, emotional and mental healing, meditation, and intention. Practice time will include doing distance healing, scanning techniques, and changing unwanted habits with Reiki. You will receive another attunement that facilitates healing on the emotional and mental level.

12 Continuing Education Hours
As a breast cancer survivor herself, Danielle is well informed about what to expect and how to deal with all kinds of cancer. In the class, she will explain how it feels to be diagnosed with cancer and how her own experience as a massage therapist can help others.

The correct touch and correct intention is very important to the client and most importantly that everyone needs human touch. Come learn more about clients with cancer and let us talk about how to approach them with kindness and tenderness.

In this class you will learn:

* How to be at ease around patients with cancer
* How to comfort the client

Beginning Hot Stone
12 Continue Education Hours

Advanced Hot Stone
6 Continue Education Hours


12 Continuing Education Hours

Advanced Reiki II ART
7 Hours
You will learn to do emotional and mental healing at a deeper level. Class includes learning advanced techniques that will strengthen the mind. Learn about spiritual protection and how to remove negative psychic energy from yourself and others. You will also receive one more attunement that will increase the strength of your Reiki energy. You must take Advanced Reiki II if you want to take Reiki III Master training. (This class becomes Day 1 of 7 classes in the RIII Master series.)

Reiki Drumming
16 Hours
Just as Reiki promotes relaxation and relief of stress that results in a holistic healing experience, adding the energy and pulse of the drum with Reiki results in a multi-dimensional healing that connects one deeply with the Earth and the Universe. In this class, you will:

~Take a Reiki Journey to heal the part of you that may be hesitant to create sound
~Do group drumming to celebrate the integration of your voice
~Receive a Reiki attunement for you and your healing Reiki drum
~Put Reiki chanting together with Reiki drumming
~ Learn various drumming protocols for:

1. facilitating a basic Reiki drumming session
2. facilitating a change of unhealthy thoughts to healthy and positive thoughts
3. facilitating balance, alignment, harmony in the body, mind, and spirit
4. preparing your sacred space
5. facilitating a Reiki Drumming journey
6. preparing yourself for the Reiki drumming work

~Practice giving and receiving Reiki Drumming sessions...and much more...

Deep Tissue Techniques “Muscle Energy” New
12 Continuing Education Hours

Reiki Healing Oils of Ancient Times
7 Hours
Help you experience the living energy of the 14 principal essential oils of ancient times and how to use them in modern times. This class includes lecture, meditation, anointing, and healing techniques. You can incorporate the oils and techniques in your massage or Reiki sessions. Set to the energy of “JOY”, this class pays respect and honor to your “True Self.” Some say experiencing these ancient oils is like being in "7th Heaven."


Thai Massage I
12 Continuing Education Hours

Reiki Raindrop Technique
8 Hours
This process uses 7 single oils and 2 therapeutic blends that are dropped on the receiver’s back in raindrop fashion. By applying special techniques and warm, moist towels, the oils will move deeply into the spine and through the nerve pathways to the afflicted organs, systems, or areas of the body to promote relaxation and pain reduction. This is a technique based on Lakota Native Healing. The oils and Technique can easily and effortlessly be incorporated in your massages and Reiki sessions, or you can do stand-alone Raindrop sessions on friends, family, or clients.

This class will cover:
Essential oils used in the Raindrop session that have been clinically tested to have antiviral, antibacterial, and anti-inflammatory properties.

How to apply these oils using a method designed to optimize the power of healing and alignment in the human body.

Why the quality of essential oils matters, how to avoid toxic imitators, how to be safety conscious and wise when using the oils.

What benefits can be realized; i.e., relieves/reduces back and knee pain, tight shoulders, chronic pain, flushes out toxins, promotes general well being.

Hands-on experience of doing and receiving the Raindrop session.

How to integrate massage, Reiki, Vita Flex (reflexology) with the Raindrop Technique.

Expanding the Raindrop session...and more...

Spa Services
12 Continuing Education Hours
Learn how to MAKE, USE and PROMOTE the Most Popular and Effective Spa Wraps and Scrubs.

Increase your income and expand your menu for less than the cost of getting these body treats at the spa! Sugar and Sea Salt are combined with organic plant and essential oils to exfoliate and moisturize - great as a massage add on or by alone sells for $55-$125. The Detoxifying Herbal Wrap cocoons the client in luxury while purifying the skin, body and soul - found at the world’s top spas sells for $75-$175. Paraffin is a soft wax that when layered over essential oil blends helps relieve dermatitis, eczema, tennis elbow, cellulite and more – an extremely versatile treatment that you can custom for each client dips sell for $5-$45 and wraps $95-$250.

Class Kit includes all materials to use in class as well as materials you can take home.


Aromatherapy Treatments For Massage
12 Continuing Education Hours
This two day workshop is explained in simple, uncomplicated terms. You will be able to apply these applications to your practice immediately.

In session one (day one) you will recieve an introduction to aromatherapy covering history, lore, scientific research, contraindications, terminology, extraction, judging quality, proper use and blending techniques. You will become acquainted with the effects of over thirty essential oils (charts included) as well as carrier oils and their properties.

In session two (day two) you will learn and experience several modalities using essential oils to expand your knowledge and practice while treating the whole person. We will cover the healing properties of over 20 essential oils, creating therapeutic blends for muscular problems, digestive problems, detoxifying, infections, and more (charts included).

Each day you will be creating custom aromatherapy massage oils, sprays, lotions, more for personal use and to expand your massage therapy practice.


Lymphatic Drainage
Sat Dec 5/Sun Dec 6 2009 at 10:00AM-4:00PM
$225.00 Tuition + $25.00 Non-refundable Registration Fee
+ $50.00 Material Fee
12 Continuing Education Hours

Beginning Reflexology
12 Continuing Education Hours

Senior Massage
12 Continuing Education Hours
Touch can have a far reaching benefit for our elders to provide them with tender love and care! The lasting effects of improved joint mobility, increased blood circulation and minimizing arthritic and muscle pain, can be accomplished through receiving massage therapy. Learn the appropriate massage techniques and body mechanics to use while working with this special population.

Beginning Herbs and Nutrition
12 Continuing Education Hours
(Possible Description)Come learn from our herbal friends! Explore which plants are appropriate to use during and after a bodywork session. Our focus will be on topical applications that include the classes of: Anti-inflammatories, Antispasmodics, Analgesics, Emollients, Nervines, Rubefacients, and the Vulneraries. After a detailed discussion and time for in-class application, students will leave the class knowing how to use and apply a handful of herbs for their clients. In addition to this clinical application, the class will be creative. We might make an infused oil, a salve, a poultice and/or a liniment. Please bring 2 large glass jars and 2 small glass jars.

Reiki III Master Teacher/Training -Day 1
7 Hours
Open fully to the power of Reiki and access your spiritual self. Learn advanced techniques for facilitating healing at the spiritual level, i.e., heart healing, celestial healing, crystal healing, and more. In the second half of the Master Series, learn how to teach Reiki and to give Attunements. Receive an attunement to the Master symbol plus four new symbols.

Pre-Natal & Infant
12 Continuing Education Hours
Two workshops for the price of one! Learn client positioning for pregnant woman, contraindications, and the benefits of massage. Also learn about aromatherapy, essential oils and lotions specifically for use on pregnant women, and what not to use! You will learn how to give a relaxing nurturing pre-natal massage, and you will also learn side-lying massage techniques that are beneficial for everyone, especially people who have low back, hip, neck and shoulder pain. You will also be able to incorporate these into your daily routine, and confidently work on people who would benefit from side-lying positions. The second part of the workshop is Infant Massage. This is a great tool to have for those mother's who you have been given Pre-Natal Massages to. Massaging a baby help with circulation and enhancing bodily functions. In this workshop, you will learn how to soothe and relax the baby with gentle massage and stretching techniques. Research studies that have been done in reaction to infants and massage will be discussed, as well as the legal aspects of working with children.

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Lift Off

dandylion seeds held in fingers _DSC1427_5_6 P...Image by Seven Pillars Lord Abbaddon via Flickr

This week has really been something. My husband interviewed with NASA. It was a perfect interview; the people he spoke with really loved him & wanted to hire him. However something changed in the job description which meant that my husband no longer qualified for the position. It was a whirlwind of high hopes and expectations. My husband thought he was landing a dream job in a location that we would have loved. And then it did not happen.

Wednesday (the day we found out) we were both pretty crushed. He consoled himself with some Jack Daniels; I had a glass of Lambrusco and triple chocolate bundt cake from Trader Joe's. All combined with some mourning for something we never actually had, just dashed hopes. I did perform Reiki on myself earlier since I was really down. It did help a lot but it wasn't lasting. That day was also our three year wedding anniversary, which got overshadowed by the crap news.

But the next morning (yesterday) I went out to the farm to do my weekly volunteer work. I was still feeling crummy in the morning and actually considered skipping out on the farm. Good thing I went though. Four hours of picking fruit, washing turnips and carrots, and a few other things just dissolved that dank, dark cloud that was hanging over me. I felt renewed without a hint of the despair I felt the day before. It was a beautiful morning, and continued to be a beautiful day. Even today I still feel that vibrant, full, luminous energy. My husband felt the same yesterday as well :)

We were both amazed at how quickly we got over our despair and disappointment. It used to take longer than that. It's gratifying that we can live our lives unsoiled by the unfulfilled expectations that arise from time to time.

So my husband and I decided to make today our anniversary. We're going to go out to a yummy Lebanese restaurant where a friend of ours is belly dancing.

Please visit The Inspired Room for other Beautiful Life posts and share your own!
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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Reiki I

Today was "wow"! I had my Reiki I class from basically 9:30AM to 5PM. I wasn't too aware of what Reiki was except that it had to do with universal energy work. So in class we went over some of Reiki's history, some basic chakra stuff and a couple meditations. We took a break for lunch. When we reconvened our instructor gave us an attunement which is basically a guided meditation with the aid of "beings of light" and the instructor performing a few things on each person.

For the most part during this attunement it felt like a deep, relaxed meditation. Nothing was happening out of the ordinary that I couldn't do with a self-meditation at home. It was near the very end when the instructor went around to each of us again and performed a few things, completing the circuit, that I had my Holy Shit moments. I was sitting on a chair with my hands in front of my heart in a prayer position. I then started to breath quicker than the long, deep breaths we were taking. I started to feel a quiver start in my abdominal area, and spread down to the medial & inner sides of my legs and up my chest. This quivering feeling only got more intense. It escalated to the point where the affected areas had that pins & needles feeling multiplied by 100. It was intense. I felt this intense energy heavily rolling in & up my stomach and pulsating in & on my legs. My face was affected too though not as strongly. Meanwhile I'm thinking Holy Shit over and over, then thinking maybe I should stop thinking Holy Shit.

Next our guide was instructed to come to me (all of us) and present me with a gift. I asked my guide (just a brightness) if this intense engery & what I was feeling was safe. I was told it was very powerful and very safe. Then I was presented with a seedling. Our instrucor told us to put our gifts to our hearts and a few other things, and then it was finished. Slowly that intense feeling dissapated.

We all shared our experiences. I was first and I didn't mention my gift since I was focusing on the Holy Shit aspect, but the people after me mentioned their gifts. So when we were on break I asked my instructor if she has any interpretation of her own what my gift may mean (since she offered her guess to others). She said that my intense experience sounded like some major grounding to my body & earth for me; then she said the seedling sounded like I had a deep connection to nature, which I affirmed. She wanted to know if I had looked into any shamanic healing practices.

Now remember that psychic reading I received from a deep tissue instructor a few weeks ago? During that reading I was told that I had a Native American shaman by my side who could work through me to heal. I was advised to look into studying shamanic healing practices. It just so happened that we had an introduction book around the apartment about that, and I've been reading it. My husband and I even practiced the first step (discovering your power animal).

So I relay this to my Reiki instructor. She says she has a Reiki friend she practices with who is also a shamanic practitioner. He (the friend) is going to start offering workshops on shamanic practices (which my instructor wants to take as well) and said she'd let me know when they start if I was interested. I told her I was; she has my contact information.

We finished up class by doing Reiki on eachother with a partner and discussing that.

It was a fascinating class with fascinating experiences.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

this is why

My massage clinics are going very well. I need just one more to complete my CMT. I did two yesterday (my first minor and first male), and did two more today (a lady and my husband).

Yesterday was interesting in that both of the clients gave me a 4 out of 5 on the feedback form but didn't give me any written comments, like how I could improve or whatnot. Before that I always got back some form of written feedback. I prefer written feedback so I know where I am strong and where I am weak. Anywho, this was beneficial to me in a different way. It just reminded me (as my husband first pointed out) that I had to be okay with not always knowing if they loved it, meh-ed it, or hated it. I just have to do the best I can and let happen whatever happens for them.

Plus, I have a perfectionist tendency which isn't really healthy or beneficial for this line of work. There is a lot of talk about how as a person working in the healing arts you just have to provide a safe, loving space for your client to heal. You are not the one healing them; you are just providing them the opportunity and space for them to heal themselves. You cannot inflict your ego on them. If the client is not open to healing while you are providing your service, then you cannot take that personally at all: you cannot let your ego invade their safe, loving space. Once you let your ego do that, then it becomes about you and not the client, which is counter to what the intention should be. This is one of the hardest things to grasp and keep tabs on when working in the healing arts.

My other clinic today was also a godsend. She came in 10 minutes late for her appointment, was stressed out already since there was a lot of traffic & she got lost. I told her she had to fill out the consent and background forms before receiving her massage, that her massage would have to be abbreviated since she was late and I had another client after her. Man, she was not happy about that at all. She started saying how if she knew that she would have canceled, asking "Is this even worth it now?" "Do I really have to fill these out now, we're already wasting time?" and so on. I told her she really did need to fill out the forms first and could cancel if she wanted since I didn't want to force her to do something she didn't want to do. However, she just hastily filled them out (with a huff) and soon enough I was massaging her.

She got a little chatty halfway into the massage, making politce conversation. At one point she asked what made me get into this line of work. I told her, "I want to help people, that there were a lot of stressed out people who need help." After I said that a little switch in my head flipped on and mentally I added, "I'm doing this for you." It made me chuckle on the inside and made the situation 100% better. After the massage the lady was quite noticeably happier and relaxed (despite the time constraint). She basically apologized for her behavior earlier, saying she understood that I couldn't give her the whole hour. She asked how to go about scheduling her next massage. I wished her a good day, gave her a half-hug, and she went merrily on her way. She definitely reminded me why stressed out people need to relax and sometimes need help doing so :)

direct intuitive

I believe in psychics. I do think it can be really difficult to find genuine psychics since so many frauds are out there to just make a buck. However, I have had the pleasure of getting to know one of my instructors for the past 12 weeks who happens to be a psychic herself. Throughout these past 12 weeks I have come to (easily) believe she is a genuine intuitive person. She does readings at a holistic bookstore on Fridays and recently my husband went to receive a reading from her. She was spot on with everything. From the relationship between him and his mother (which is difficult for people to understand & I said nothing about) to his job situation and his struggles with how he does mathematics. This and some other things came out in just 15 minutes with my husband not uttering or responding to anything until she was done.

So that's just my intro to what came up in my reading I received from her yesterday. Several things came up, but the biggest thing I got out of it was the answer I received from a question I asked. Since high school I became aware of the possibility that I might have a half-sibling out there in the world. Back in the day my dad had a girlfriend. One day she told him she was pregnant, and my dad just split. He never followed up or anything with her. For all anyone knew she could have been lying, had an abortion or really was pregnant and had a child.

I wanted to know once and for all what the answer to that question was: did I have a half-sibling? I didn't tell her the story behind it, I just asked the question. The answer she gave was "yes," a half-sister. She didn't feel that the sister knew about us (my family). She felt the sister was on the east coast. Then she counseled me on how to go about the situation & finding her, and relayed how her husband also found out a while ago that he had a half-sister, etc.

Personally, I felt I had a half-sister. I even think her name may be Cheryl, Carol, something of that sort (when trying to be intuitive myself). Who knows what will come of it but I am at least going to try to find her, assuming she exists.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

grand, magical and exciting

Life feels grand, magical and exciting at the moment. I am officially taking the acupressure class thanks to my miraculous husband. I've already been to one class; the material & instructor are excellent! The next class is next Friday, hoorah!

Tomorrow is my last day of deep tissue class, and my last day of regular massage classes. No more regular class schedule. No more seeing the same people four days a week for a dozen weeks. I don't think it'll be too weird for me but I think the other people in my class will miss it. For me, I'm just excited that it's over, meaning I'm so much closer to getting my certificates. I still need to do my clinic hours, but I'm already so close to finishing up hours for my CMT classes. Deep tissue needs even less hours so it'll go by quickly enough.

My husband is looking for a new job and it's rather exciting. He's getting calls from various recruiters for San Francisco companies, a few of which sound really good to him. There is one company in particular that sounds great for him which he'll be speaking with tomorrow. I've already told my husband that should he get a job offer in San Francisco, I am willing to cut short my massage training here and continue it elsewhere. I already have the two major modules completed with (almost), and I trust in Spirit/myself that things will unfold however they need to. Whether he finds a new job here or in SF, it's exciting nonetheless :)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

my sweet husband

Wow, it actually seems like I will be able to take that acupressure workshop! It's not finalized yet, but its chances are a lot higher than before. My husband should be coming into some money this week which will be more than enough to cover it. Even more touching though is that this money, which we have known is coming for a few months now, was earned by my husband. The plan was to use it to buy him a new laptop since his current one is owned by his job. Then today my husband shared with me his idea to use that money to help finance my massage education! I totally was not expecting that and made sure he was absolutely alright with it.

It really touches me soul that he cares that much about my passion, education and happiness. I am so blessed and fortunate to have him in my life.

P.S.-- I will be quite impressed if I get to take this acupressure workshop since only a month or so ago I was so worked up over it but didn't see how I could afford it, leaving it up to some "miracle" to cover it for me. It would be just one more example of how awesome & extraordinary life unfolds.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

terrible twos

I am in a very emotional state. Sometimes I feel like I get so irrationally frustrated that I could burst into tears exactly like a toddler. In just two weeks of deep tissue massage I have felt like this twice in class. The first time was because I felt like I wasn't grasping the massage moves, and the second major time was today when I didn't have a chance to practice a move. Seriously, I felt like a toddler that could burst into frustrated tears; I was having to hold them back while wondering what the hell was going on with me.

Oh I just remembered a third time this happened, today. I asked if we needed to bring pillows to class tomorrow, like we had been doing this week though we haven't had a chance to use them. Since I walk to school this is a burden to me and I didn't want to bring a pillow for a third time if it wasn't going to be used. My instructor forgot that I walked to class and said I didn't have to bring one tomorrow, and I could borrow one if we did use them. She was sympathetic to my minor plight. I started to get teary eyed with frustration reflecting on how I had brought a pillow twice when we didn't end up using them. It all seems to boil down to a "It's not fair! How about me!" tantrum that's ready to spill out at any frustrated point. I just don't know why.

I have been pretty blissfully happy. Maybe this is my weakened ego making a come back? Maybe the Fresno trip (with some clashing of the egos happening between myself and my dad) stirred up some more things? Or maybe I'm a bit more emotionally drained since a few of my friends are going through some major heart ache? Or maybe it's A, B and C?

I need to listen to myself and try to figure this out. It's just so odd because I honestly feel like a vulnerable toddler with a short, delicate fuse when this happens. Hmmm.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

frustrated foes

Yesterday was an odd day in massage class for me. We were learning massage strokes for the head, and I was finding it particularly difficult. I wasn't feeling any flow, it felt awkward for me, and I was just feeling stuck. I got so frustrated that I could have literally started crying. Then other negative emotions started to creep up; it was very odd and bizarre. I hadn't felt that frustrated with massage ever, nor that frustrated just in general in a very long time.

Lunch came, we went outside to eat, and during then it melted away. I don't know why; I did try to calm myself down before lunch, so maybe that helped. Or it could have just been the break that helped. But after that I felt much better. I even practiced it on my husband later that night, in part because I didn't want to remain frustrated with it when I had to do it again. The only way I was going to get a handle on it was if I practiced. And even with a new kitty jumping on the massage table every other minute, I wasn't nearly as frustrated as I was during class.

I'm not very experienced at recognizing what's my energy and what it someone else's. I'm rather curious if it was someone else's energy overlapping/shadowing mine that made me that frustrated. But I don't know. I just wanted to record that odd experience and share it. Sometimes you feel off, but it's only temporary.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

fruits of my labor

This week is the last week of my first massage module. I actually have an anatomy final today, and tomorrow was supposed to be my practitioner's test. That's the test where we have to do a massage in an hour while the instructor watches and grades. Well yesterday we had the option of taking the practitioner's test then instead of Thursday, so that's what we did. It was awesome getting it out of the way. After the test the instructor speaks with you privately and tells if you if you passed (though it's rare for anyone to fail). Now I haven't really gotten much comment in class about my progress, just instructions when my back or wrist isn't straight enough, or a good job here & there. So I wasn't expecting much.

The praise I got was some of the most flattering ever, the kind of praise that touches me more. Stuff like how it was a joy & beautiful to watch me massage since my body mechanics are perfect and I had a peaceful, healing energy when doing so. I mean, wow, I was not expecting that :) But it's what I want to be. I told her I was very glad to hear that, and practically skipped home. I'm just so --I can't think of adequate words-- happy? satisfied? fulfilled? that what I've been working towards for these past several years is easily unfolding & coming to be now. It's so encouraging; it's the kind of fuel that makes the journey that much easier.

There is an acupressure class that I really wanted to take but I don't think the money's going to come through this time. I'm not counting it out yet, but I'm not holding my breath either. I was quite worked up over it, trying to budget and figure out how to make it work. But now I just figure if I'm meant to take it, the money will show. And if not, there will be a next time. I will just have to focus on other classes this summer.

So next week I start deep tissue classes! Isn't is a beautiful life?

*** Fruit Infused Water***

I made some apple/basil water last night. It is quite refreshing and delicious, so here's the simple recipe if you want to try for yourself.

1 large or 2 small apples (Gala, Granny Mmith, Fuji, basically any crunchy kind that is not Red Delicious)

2 sprigs of basil (~a dozen leaves). I used fresh basil.

* Slice apples.
* Chop or crunch basil leaves.
* Put together in a very large cloth "tea bag" or wrap in cheese cloth (basically anything you can fashion out of a cloth that will let the water diffuse through it.)
* Fill a pitcher with water and put the wrapped apple slices & basil in it. (I use filtered water.)
* Set in fridge overnight.
* Take out apples & basil in morning. (Optional: add fresh leaves and apple slices to pitcher.)

Take a sip!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

it pains my heart; my heart bursts

I just finished watching a 2001 documentary called Life and Debt which is "a feature-length documentary which addresses the impact of the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, the Inter-American Development Bank and current globalization policies on a developing country such as Jamaica." Oh I am quite aware of how various countries exploit the weak & poor, but getting down to the details always makes my heart hurt. But then it swells my heart with more compassion to want to do something, anything, to help, even if it's so slight that I don't know if it's making a real difference. I just want to try.

I think now I am finally ready to commit to buying fair trade clothing, period. It is much more affordable to buy now than it was even 5 years ago. There are more places online to purchase affordable fair trade clothing from various co-ops from all over the world. The thought of my shirt or jeans coming from a "free zone" in Jamaica, a sweat shop in China, India, Honduras, Pakistan, anywhere, is weighing on my conscious more and more. I am fortunate enough to live in America, to not be of the poorer class in this country, and to be able to afford things that the vast majority of this world cannot. The country I live in exploits the world just so I can afford my relatively luxurious life. I need to do as much as I can, one step at a time. And this is my next step.

This is why I love blogging. I love committing my thoughts, my insights, my goals in written format available for whoever to see. If I am lucky enough, it inspires others to live to their highest potential. But mostly I do it for myself. To help center my thoughts and orient my path. This particular blog has been active for a year now, and is one I dearly cherish. Thank you (the other) Lea from Ocean of Perspectives for thinking of me.

Friday, April 24, 2009

spring loaded

It is interesting and shocking how one little event can unleash to much emotion. In this case it was a large, hairy spider that shook me up. First off, I am terrified of spiders. My fear exponentially increase the larger the spider is. It wasn't my hysterical reaction to the spider that caught me off guard. Rather this scary event triggered something deeper in me that I didn't know I had; I have thought of about this "something" on and off again, but this time it made me break down and sob that uncontrollable, heart-wrenching sob. It lasted for only a few minutes at most, but was definitely unexpected. I would not have thought a spider that was really no more than 1 1/2 inches in diameter could be the first domino in an emotional breakdown.

I acknowledge that I have these deeper (I guess unresolved) emotions. I just don't know how to take care of them. Maybe time is all that is needed, though I doubt it. It's more like I need to forgive myself, to not lay guilt on my conscience. Because I do feel some of that.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Show my idea some love :)

You have to register to vote, but the winners get $10K for their idea, most of which are altruistic ones. So I figure why not?

My Idea

Saturday, April 18, 2009

fun planning

I have completed the first half of this first massage module; I'm three weeks closer to becoming a certified massage therapist in the county.  This means that I get to start seriously looking at business cards and web designs!  Of course I will only be sticking with friends, family, and people who come highly recommended by the former two.  Still it's nice to have the professional stuff on hand.  Here's a free web template I found online.  I changed the header, and will of course tweek the content, though I'm keeping mum on the business name until it's official.  I already have the web domain registered :)

It has that clean, Zen feel that I'm fond of. The business cards also have illustrated cherry blossoms against a crisp, white background. Finally it's becoming less of a dream and more of a reality. Before I'd create mock sites & cards for this practice, but now I'm actually gaining the skills and knowledge to make it manifest.

So that's basically what I did this Friday and Saturday, aside from the farmers' market and a nice surprise dinner that my husband treated us to.


Since I've started walking to school my body has responded quite nicely.  It is so much easier to exercise when it is incorporated into your daily life.  My anatomy classes though have taught me the serious importance of exercise & consuming enough water, for starters.  Because of that I have gone back to the gym to do weight lifting/resistance exercises, vital for bone health.  In general people think their bones are a solid, stable mass when inreality your skeletal system is so dynamic and in constant flux.  So drink plenty of water and exercise!  Or else you'll be feeling the consequences, especially as you get older.

I know I have more things to say besides websites & bones, but I need to organize my thoughts more or else I end up rambling like this.

Good night!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

personal dream school

Massage school is going great! It feels like I've stepped through a doorway into a wonderful world of, well in a way, magic. And there are still so many different avenues of massage I can (and will) learn. It's a small, intimate class that I feel very comfortable in. We have to shed our modesty/shame/embarrassment of ourselves for eachother since we practice our massages on eachother. I can't hide that large, hairy mole on my back from everyone forever, nor my pale, stubbly legs. Also, I figure that if I expect future clients to undress for me, I shouldn't have any qualms doing it for class. That, and if anyone does happen to judge my body, they're in the wrong field, and I just shouldn't care. It's all a good exercise for myself.

I really feel this is the start of a new sort of life. I've already started little things like actually drinking a good amount of water a day, where before I just couldn't bring myself to do it, nor care. But after last anatomy class---People, drink water! Please, we really need to! Haha, that's how much of an impact it had on me. Doing the massages themselves feels akin to a slow, martial art like qi gong. You need balance, grace, energy, and form for starters. Then learning the different ways massage can positively effect the body is just astounding! It's even more inspiring to learn all I can.

This post is more me just gushing without any point-- except, I guess, for you to follow your passion. This is only the beginning for me, but it feels so wonderful.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

it is what it is-- and then a solution appeared!

Yesterday another financial surprise caught us off-guard. We were already tight on money because of the auto repair bill. The rest of the month's expenses were figured out & expected to be fine as long as were didn't spend anything in excess & stuck to the basics.

However, a bill that we thought was already accounted for got automatically deducted from our bank account yesterday, leaving us with only half of what we had left! That gave us $3 for ten days until pay day (the rest had to go to bills due before April). We would definitely need to buy gas, sheets for massage school, possibly food, send out books we sold on Amazon, and just $3 is never a good buffer in a bank account. Oh, we also don't use or have credit cards.

So this new financial surprise took the wind out of our sails, and we were both trying not to panic or let this define us. My husband went to lay down while I sat on the couch trying to think of some sort of strategy to keep our account from going in the red. But I just couldn't think of one.

At first I tried blaming my husband for not being sure that this bill was already paid, but that didn't work. Then I tried blaming myself for paying for my massage school up front when I also had the option of paying it in multiple payments, which would have left us with a nice chunk right now. But that didn't work since there was nothing I could do about that now, and since I still stand by the reasoning my husband & I had for paying it upfront.

That is when I wrote the "it is what it is" entry yesterday. I felt that was all I could really do. Then with perfect timing at the very end of that entry, right before I wrote "Thank you," a solution came to me! It seemed so obvious I was surprised I hadn't thought of it before. So I wrote "Thank you" to whoever for giving me the solution, and went straight to Aaron. He was quite delighted with it too and couldn't believe how obvious it was, especially since we had done it before.

My husband and I have this happen to us often enough (moreso in college) where we are faced with an extraordinary financial issue that has the potential to extremely stress out. But once we accept the situation for what it is a solution come to us. In college the solution would be an unexpected, random check to us in the mail within days, or something similar in nature. We were not eligible nor capable then to solve those financial issues the same way we can today.

I'll share what we did though I only recommend it if you truly know you can pay it back, and if this situation isn't a common one for you, but rather is born out of extraordinary, rare circumstances. (That's just my opinion.) We took out a cash advance with Advance America/Cash Advance. We used them once before when we first moved into this apartment, got our car and were extremely tight on cash with all the extra expenses from that month. It was a helpful, short term loan that we were more than able to pay back a couple weeks later. The same applies to the situation we are in now, and this solution works for us. If we did have an "emergency" credit card, we are afraid we would find other non-emergency excuses to use it, so for now we're still holding off on getting one.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

it is what it is

Sometimes it's just hard when you know you have no one or no thing to blame. Even when I try to take the blaming route, I just end up back where I am knowing it is what it is. So trying to blame something is useless, and so is going "If I had only..." because you obviously didn't and it is what it is.

Sometimes it's just hard not knowing what you're going to do. Even when you try to think of strategies to help relieve the situation, and you find none of them really work... it's just hard sometimes to accept it is what it is.

But that's what it is. Try to remember that this too shall pass. That's all you can do sometimes.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the car has access to our bank account

Along with the exciting event of signing up for massage school, something else happened this past weekend. My husband and I were driving to the mall when we started hearing this odd noise coming from under the car. We had no idea what it was, and still don't, but it caused us to pull the car over and check it out. For a couple weeks our brakes have been squeaking but we kept putting off getting them checked out. Well, my husband pulled off the hubcap looking to see what caused this odd noise and also saw how dangerously low the brake pads were.

Seeing how bad they were made us take the car into a shop right away that day. Turned out all our brake pads and rotors had to be replaced. Can you say $907 bill? Haha.

However my reaction and viewpoint on the situation wasn't "Oh my god, this bill totally sucks! Eff those mechanics/my car!" (By the way, our used car is 11 years old with probably nothing having been replaced on it.) How I saw it was "Thank goodness this happened now when we just got our tax return back, and have a surplus of money." Do you know how many people are out there that simply wouldn't be able to get their car fixed with a bill that high?

My husband was a bit upset at first because he thought it might ruin how happy I was Saturday (from enrolling in school). But I explained how I viewed the situation and was just grateful; that made him feel much better and he was quite thankful too.

This is also the first month that we don't have any credit cards sucking hundreds of dollars from us, hence the extra money. Funny thing is our car has a tendency of speaking up about getting fixed when we actually have extra money to do it. Thank you, little green car!

PS- That odd noise that made up pull over in the first place stopped once we actually pulled over and hasn't returned since.

Edit for Friday:
Check out Melissa's post at The Inspired Room to see links to other people's posts about their inspired week, and share yours too if you want :)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Yay! Enrolled in massage school!

Friday was my last day at the temp office job, and at 10AM Saturday I enrolled at the massage school under their Holistic Health Practitioner program!

Here's what I'll be learning in the first six weeks:
  • Swedish Massage
  • Intro to Senior Massage
  • Intro to Pre-Natal Massage
  • Intro to Deep Tissue Massage
  • Contraindications
  • Anatomy
  • Business/Marketing
  • Body Mechanics
  • Ethics
  • Self Care for the Massage Therapist
  • Student Clinics
And then I can take extra classes during the week night and weekend, which I plan to take. On the menu: reflexology, hot stone massage, herbs & nutrition, and more!

I start in a couple weeks :)

From this morning.
I got the freesia flowers from the farmers' market yesterday.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

the sugar experiment

I am a bit of a sugar addict. I don't know an average person's sugar cravings but I am always in the mood for sugar, unless I just finished overdosing on it. Brownies, ice cream, cinnamon buns, pie, cookies, cupcakes, chocolate... the list goes on and I always desire it. Just a couple weeks ago I make some brownies, bought some vanilla ice cream, and had the combination of the two for dinner every night that week. That is not good, at all.

So this week I'm consciously trying to not eat (junk) sugar except:
  • When I add it to coffee.
  • Dark chocolate.
  • If someone gives me some for whatever reason (ie a co-worker brings in leftover birthday cake)
The last one hasn't happened in a while but if it did I know I'd eat it, or regret not eating free cake.

I have already said "No" to the Starbucks cupcakes and tarts, and have passed up a couple sugar opportunities. I think I can keep this up, and I want to as well. I also want to see if my sugar scale-down has any effect on my body. Sugar can really bloat a person and is just plain unhealthy.

Now I just need to up my calcium and protein intake. How pitiful a person's diet can become if you stop being mindful of it, and let it fall to the wayside. But I'm always up for attempting again and again at making it healthy, so I don't beat myself up over it. It's just interesting that several months ago I was eating quinoa, fresh veggies, brown rice and eggs, and then reverted back to easy, sugar fixes. Don't worry, Quinoa, I haven't forgotten you yet!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Advice to myself in regards to massage school

Be gentle with yourself. You are there to learn, not to go in knowing everything.

Friday, February 27, 2009

“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”

I forgive everyone, including myself.

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself on the spiritual path. If you can’t learn to forgive, you can forget about getting to higher levels of awareness.

-Dr. Wayne Dyer

I visited Dyer's Daily Inspiration page as it's a very nifty way to get moment-pausing quotes that help you stay aligned with a more peaceful path. This quote is definitely something I want to keep in my life. It can be very hard to follow but it is worth every effort made to live up to it. Recently a certain someone popped into mine and Aaron's life again. This person is the only known person who can easily & unknowingly push Aaron buttons, which pushes my buttons. This person has spread who knows what sort of sordid stories against Aaron to his family & whoever will listen, which again, pushes me to anger and pettiness. These past couple days all I want to do is confront this person, and lay a list of complaints at their feet. But it's not my place to do that, nor is it productive.....or forgiving.

Intellectually I know this person hates themself. This person has no love for themself, and it manifests in destructive ways against themself and others. But I obviously haven't realized this yet. Where is my compassion? Where is my forgiveness? Just writing that brings tears to my eyes. Where is it? For this person, I don't know. I need to work on it; I want to work on it.

I want to have love and compassion and forgiveness for those that tend to anger me most.

I find that those who strike against the ones I love most are the ones I have the hardest time forgiving. Thanks goodness those strikers are few in number, eh?

But those that strike are also the ones that have the least love for themselves. I've seen that. I need to know it now.

Writing this out has helped immensely. I didn't realize how much anger was festering against this person. And now it feels deflated, which is nice & comforting.

*Title quote is from Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Elizabeth Gilbert: A different way to think about creative genius.

I found myself over at My Inspiration Lounge and came across this post:

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, muses on the impossible things we expect from artists and geniuses -- and shares the radical idea that, instead of the rare person "being" a genius, all of us "have" a genius. It's a funny, personal and surprisingly moving talk.

I loved this talk! I've read her Eat Pray Love book, which I loved as well.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

acts of encouragement

I had an okay day, but I arrived home feeling a bit blah, despite the awesome fact that I'm finally getting my coat dry-cleaned and relined. So I ate 4 small brownies and settled on guacamole & chips for dinner. Yeah, not quite healthy. Surfing the web was making my dull mind go around in circles, so I finally decided to stop and meditate.

The most common sense stuff is relayed to me when meditating a lot of times. This time it was, "Stop eating that junk, and start eating the right food." Not in a critical way, just in a nurturing "do some good for yourself" way. Our dining table has been covered in junk for a while now. The other day I envisioned it clean again, and eating a healthy breakfast there. While meditating I had the same vision. The bulk of the meditation focused on love and healing. Good, energizing stuff.

When it was over, I got up and started clearing our dining room table. I also put away the guacamole. Now I can sit there and at least drink a glass of milk with some toast there, instead of sitting on the couch eating nothing. After that, I offered Aaron a massage. My massages really help alleviate the pain in his back. I personally try to give him weekly massages, but I fall by the wayside every now and then. He eagerly accepted the offer.

Usually with Aaron, his shoulder muscles are what give him trouble. Over 90% of the time I focus on that area. But for whatever reason I wasn't moved to massage that area hardly at all this time. I mostly focused on his middle to lower back. A couple of times I moved up to the usual shoulder area just to see if anything came to me do to, but I never felt compelled to stay there, so I focused on his mid-lower back again.

After the massage I asked Aaron if it was his mid-lower back bothering him this time. He said it was, and that his shoulders were actually pretty fine this time.

Massages like this encourage me to not doubt going to massage school or get frightened that I'm making the wrong choice. Though I wonder if the only reason I have a certain intuition when massaging Aaron is because we are so close; that maybe with other people I won't feel that same intuition. But if that proves to be the case, at least I'll learn more massage skills that will help me help my husband's chronic back pain. I think that's worth it.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

just playing around.

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i left my coat in bodega bay

Hen Hao!

Tuesday and Wednesday were interesting. I was so pissy and just down in the dumps at my job on Tuesday. I felt overwhelmed and contemplated coming into work on Saturday since I thought I wouldn't be able to finish something before next week. Then that evening I decided to meditate. It had been 3 days since I last had, and even longer before that. (Funny how meditation can be all you do morning and evening, then just as easily fall to the wayside & repeat.) I meditated again Wednesday morning (it had been ages since doing a meditation before work), and just had the most delightful, energy filled day. I'd say today (Thursday) was an average of the two.

But it was enjoyable & interesting having the juxtaposition of the "piss in your pants" Tuesday and the "blue skys are smiling at me" Wednesday. It really illustrates how it's not the situation so much as your attitude that effects your day. Of course it may have also been a nudge to get me to meditate more regularly.

I don't want to say that meditating "cures" things like lousy days. For me, though, it connects me with the things that are truly important and real in this world. Those things are love, light and peace (the latter two being products of the former in my opinion). When love, light and peace are propped up against paper work, office space and phone calls, then those last three things become totally manageable.

My world expands from being this microcosm of uncomfortable office chair and terrible lighting to an ever-expansive universe of possibilities, hope and creation.

As of today, the goal my husband and I had of paying off two HUGE credits cards was realized. It was the reason I took on this job, and we have stayed true to our intentions. I'm still not totally believing it quite yet. It's like a yoke has been taken off my neck, but I still feel its soreness. When we don't have to pay those credit cards next month is when it'll probably kick in :)

And yes, I really did leave my coat in Bodega Bay (super lovely, awesome, every-positive-word-in-the-thesaurus weekend getaway!) That's what happens when you use the hotel closet when you usually throw your coat on the floor or on a chair ;)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

how do you give yourself a dose of your own medicine?

That's what I need. Intellectually I know the reasons I have put myself in this job situation. But I still find myself struggling to keep balance.

My mind feels blank. This life of going through the motions without passion or joy in the work I am doing... quite frankly is hell. Call it First World White Collar Hell, if you will. I know this is only temporary (March 13!) so that I can finally begin massage school, and make a positive, passionate difference in this world. This sacrifice is worth that, at least.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to write down all the positive ideas and things I want to do with my massage therapy career.

  • Start my own massage therapy business that partners with a women's shelter. Create a symbiotic relationship where I give the shelter women free massages.
  • Through my business, garner donations to pass along to shelter.
  • To give clients incentive to donate, will initiate a program where for any $X given, that is the percentage they get discounted on their next massage. (I still need to work out the logistics of whether this is offered every day? week? month?) I will up the reward in December for the holidays.
  • This partnership won't only be personally fulfilling, but I think it would be good for my business in terms of advertising. My clients get the satisfaction of knowing their money is not only going towards their massage, but also towards a good cause.
  • I will only use fluorescent lights after I have exhausted all other means to avoid them. Fluorescent lights are the bane of my office existence.
  • My massage therapy office/business will have real color painted on the walls, like rich purple, vibrant green or turquoise, and art will be hung up. No more drab, sterile office dwelling for me.
  • Hopefully, later on if/when my business is successful, I can create a sort of massage therapy organization where other massage therapists/businesses can join if they also partner with a cause & form their own symbiotic relationship. Good for advertising in saying you are part of a good organization that gives back to people, but also good for people! This is only a fringe idea though. We'll see where I am 10 years from now first.
  • No more working for crazy people.
  • I want to model my business after this "social business" concept:

Revolutionary economist Muhammad Yunus's new book "Creating a World Without Poverty" outlines his vision for an original business model that combines the power of free markets with the quest for a more humane world - and tells the inspiring stories of companies that are doing this work today. Yunus is the founder of Grameen Bank, a pioneer of microcredit - an economic movement that has helped lift millions of families around the word out of poverty - and the author of Banker to the Poor: Micro-lending and the Battle Against World Poverty.

Okay, that does feel better. C'mon Lea, you can do it!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

note to self

  • Patience
  • Fortitude
  • Let go of resentment
  • Be kind to myself; I deserve it

These are four things I need to work on.