Love Light Peace

New Blog

2009-09-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

This is something I have been contemplating for a little while. For certain reasons I want to change this and my other blog url so I'm just creating new ones. If you want to continue to follow they will be linked on my facebook soon. If you are not on my facebook, then leave a comment with your email.

A Partner In Crime

2009-08-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

So now for some fun stuff. After being mopey yesterday about my husband not responding to my experience I went and played with meditating with crystals. It was a cool introduction. I started off with a smokey quartz placed over my first chakra and meditated, focused allowing myself to feel the crystal's energy. When I was ready I took that one off and put a citrine quartz on my second chakra, repeat; lapis on my fifth chakra, repeat; amethyst on my sixth chakra, repeat; clear quartz on my 7th chakra. I skipped my third and fourth since I don't have corresponding stones at the moment.

I could definitely tell the difference between the crystals. Smokey was heavy, denser, more mellow. The higher up the chakras I get, the lighter and quicker their energy felt. I enjoyed the first and fifth ones the best. Fifth was akin to floating on a cloud.

I tried meditating with Smokey on my first and the clear quartz on my fifth. It was interesting to feel the difference at the same time.

During these meditations though it came to me that I should invite Aaron to join me in my experiments. As I reflected on it, I felt that he really would enjoy doing the crystal meditations and the channel breathing.

So after work I asked him if he wanted to join me in such things; he said yes! So he did the crystal meditations that evening and enjoyed it like I thought he would. Tonight he's going to try the channel breathing.

I'm always happy to have him join me which so happen to alleviate my mopiness on that topic. Lately he's been stretched thin with getting the new job, moving, and other things, so I think he appreciated me asking since otherwise it would have taken a while before he forced himself to take some break from all his web developing.

What A Morning!

2009-08-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

For the past two weeks there has been lingering issues between my husband and his former employer, mainly that the latter has yet to pay my husband his final check. In our state it is required for the employee to be given their final pay on their last day of work if 72 hours notice has been given, which it was. Neither my husband nor his former employer knew this at the time. A week later when he still hadn't gotten paid I began wondering what the law was, and dug up that nugget.

This week the former employer has been saying he's working on it, then said he would do direct deposit and that it should go through on a certain day. Well that day passes and still no pay. Then the employer starts saying it actually can take up to 3 days for it to go through, claiming it should be in our account by Monday the latest. This doesn't match up to when he said he processed the check but whatever.

My husband and I are very frustrated by this. I keep pressuring my husband to threaten legal action (and take it) since legally he's supposed to be paid for the days after his final check is due if he still hasn't received it. He's more concerned with actually getting the check (as was I in the beginning) and believes his boss is childish and ignorant enough to withhold my husband's pay if Aaron threatens such a thing. Plus my husband doesn't believe we have any real chance of getting the money if we take the legal route.

Did I mention we have $5 in our account at the moment, and won't get paid from his new job until Tuesday? Add that to the frustration.

So all this frustration and disagreement came to a crash this morning while I was walking with my husband to his new job. It escalated to the point where I started crying and saying I wouldn't say anything more about it. Hugged, kissed, left.

My husband sent me a few text messages apologizing for how he acted (not what he said, just how), but also agreeing with me on some things. Although I really appreciated these gestures (and I sent him my white flag as well), my mind was still stuck in its Oh Woe Is Me setting.

I was feeling mopey and crying until I got near home, and switched over to just being mopey. I bet I even looked real mopey. Then going down the last street until our apartment, a woman smiled at me and said, "Good morning." That in itself was a miracle since I'm sure I was the most uninviting looking person to say good morning too. It made me feel a little better. Then not too much further this guy sitting at the waiting bench in from of (what I believe is) an assisted living complex said, "Good morning" too and asked how I was doing. I said, "Okay" in a not so okay tone. He said, "Well, I hope you have a wonderful day!" I genuinely thanked him, and after that told myself I wasn't going to be mopey anymore. I took those two people as a sign that something was telling me to cheer up & get over it, so I am.

So somehow a morning that started off on a lousy foot ended up teaching me a lesson and cheering me up before noon has even approached.

To tie this in with Melissa's Contentment post I will add what I treasure in my life:

My willingness to improve my life, even if it's as small as turning my morning around.
My husband for his love, his honestly, and his ability to recognize when he was acting jerky and actually apologize for it ;)
My husband's new job that has its act totally together, and that starts paying on the 1st!
My continued search for truth.
That I am open minded enough to experience with things that others may deem as ridiculous like engery work and crystals :)

Feel free to read Melissa's post at The Inspired Room, and add your own list as well :)

Have a Wonderful Day!

expect nothing

2009-08-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

I shared my experience yesterday with my husband and with my mom. Sometimes I do not understand my husband. I told him the whole event and he had nothing to say. Literally. A couple smiles & raised eyebrows, the kind of thing you do when you can think of nothing to say. This shouldn't upset me but it does get under my skin at times. Only when I'm sharing something I find really interesting with him and then I get nothing from him. I know it shouldn't matter what he thinks or how he responds. It just makes me feel really vulnerable and then I start wondering if he thinks I'm crazy, which I know he will say no and maybe get upset I think that. The times I have asked why he hasn't said anything he simply says it's because he has nothing to say & isn't thinking anything. Oh well, another issue I need to work on.

My mom thought it sounded scary and that was pretty much that. I guess if I knew someone who had these different experiences I would be very interested and ask questions and such. But they're not me so I shouldn't expect that. Guess that's what this blog is for.

I picked up some small crystals yesterday. I've been reading this book from the library about crystal energy and healing, so I want to experiment with that. Try tuning in to their energies this afternoon.

Kundalini?

2009-08-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Day 3 of meditating and I have the most "holy shit!" experience yet. It was so powerful and engulfing that I immediately called the Reiki master I'm learning from and my former massage therapy instructor (who is also the intuitive) to share and ask for advice. I'll write it down now lest I forget how powerful it was later on.

I was seated in the poang chair doing some channel breathing. It's just where when you breath in you imagine the light above your head coming down through you body, and when you breath out you imagine the light coming up from the earth to your head. It's to help clear your channel and chakras, something good to do before doing any sort of healing work on someone. I had done this type of breathing a couple times just for a tiny bit (like a minute or two), would start to feel tingley, and then stop. Well this time I decided to stay with it and keep going.

Immediately I start to get that tingley sensation. The more I breath, the strong the sensation becomes. I want to see what will happen if I just stick with it so I continue. Remember when I had my first "holy shit" moment with my first Reiki attunement? Well I start to get the same degree of sensations here, except the more I go, the more intense it becomes. For whatever reason I decide to stand up. Next time I won't only because my feet and lower legs become completely engulfed in the intense, heavy sensations. I personally couldn't feel them. I was afraid I'd fall over but then set that fear aside. The sensations were also very strong at my third chakra, chest, throat and head. Later they become strong on my upper back.

I kept my Love Light Peace mantra going (that's what I usually repeat when I meditate). At one point I thought I should try to say it out loud. That's when I discovered I could barely talk. Really I'd say I couldn't talk. It was so hard to get one word out, and when I did it was with a very deep voice, one that I cannot do voluntarly. In fact I had never heard myself like that before.

I asked myself if I had any messages for me, or any advice. I was basically told to learn, practice and heal. I was told to trust in "it" aka me aka god. There was nothing elaborate shown or said to me.

I decided I wanted to end it. I had been holding my hands over my heart in a prayer position. When I tried to move my arms I realized I couldn't. It was like my upper back was cement. Slowly I extened my arms out like a "T." The sensations were starting to reside though were still very present in/on my head, throat & feet. I started to make circles with my arms, going up over my head and down to my abdomen, asking to be grounded to the earth and grounded to my body. I've never asked that before, but I just thought that would help. I said it with authority too. The sensations lessened a lot, but were still being felt. I next did Reiki on myself, focusing on my 1st chakra to help ground more. That helped my legs a lot. They finally felt inhabited. My eyes and head were still a little zappy though.

Then I just had to talk to someone about it, someone who could help me understand what just happened & give me advice. First I called the Reiki master I learn under, and left a message. Then I called my former instructor. While I was leaving a message with the latter the former called me back. So I quickly ended the message and answered her call.

I relayed what had happened and she was a bit astounded, even more so when she learned I had only been doing it for several minutes or so before I got into that state. She said it sounded like I was in a very deep, altered state; also that I was obviously a clear, powerful channel and that I probably didn't need to do that breathing techniqure to clear my channel the way others need to. We talked about kundalini and how it related to what I felt. She shared some of her experiences and just really helped me. Since I'm a novice without much training in this area we both thought it was a good idea to not do it much until I got more education & training in it. I'd rather focus on the Reiki myself.

I'll probably get a call from my instructor later and it'll be good to get her input too.

So... that's what I did this afternoon. Back to my cheesy Cantonese pop love songs.

Striving

2009-08-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

My renewed spirit wants to get crackin' on my massage therapist hours. I only need about 75 or less more to be certified in my new area (I moved!).

I want to practice more. I have my husband to practice on but would like more people. Must figure something out there.

I want to meditate at least daily again. I did so yesterday and this morning. You wonder how you ever got out of the habit, but it happens. So here I am giving it a renewed effort.

I want to get back in shape. There's a 5k in October that I am striving towards now. Totally doable.

Lastly but most importantly I want to be a shining, peaceful light in this world. I want to help it strive to be everything positive it can be. What I mean is I am a shining, peaceful light. What I want is to be as conscious of this purpose as I can be. For the past several weeks I have been cocooned in anxious wait, hoping and wishing that my husband got the job that he has now landed (hence our move). I let my diet and exercise go to the wayside. I started ignoring myself and focused more on the external. Well that changed yesterday.

Cheers to renewal!

Re-Inspired

2009-08-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have been re-inspired today. It started this morning when I walked over to Barnes & Noble to finish reading a chick lit book. After I had done that, I went to the New Age section to read a Brian Weiss book. My step-mother-in-law lent me one of his books which I enjoyed, so I wanted to start reading another. I read the second half of his Same Soul, Many Bodies book. Completely inspiring; completely put me in the most positive, optimistic mindset. A nice way to start my new living in my new location. Then I walked back home and there was a new post in a blog I follow. This is the post, which completely fit in with my newly inspired mindset. I wanted to share it.

Betting on an Invisible Future

from Spiritual Harmonics by Gaia Star

Betting on an Invisible Future
As received by Gillian MacBeth-Louthan
===================================

You have each walked into a stairway of questing, of questioning, of asking what is the next step of my journey, of my heart, of my mission. You stand at the top of the stairway to heaven, but it does not connect to anything that you can feel or see. Your hearts' desires live above the patterns of the mass consciousness and the mass manifestations. As you reach into your higher heart for higher truths, higher lights and higher loves; you also reach for higher creational abilities. These manifestations live in the invisible. They are visible only in your mind, in your heart and in your dreams. But they are invisible in your physical world.

You are asked to place all of your desires, your wants, and your needs -upon an invisible future. There are so few that truly know without a doubt that the invisible will manifest in accordance with how deeply, how strongly, how powerfully they believe. You cannot see your future because your future does not live here on earth. It has not come as of yet. It has not manifested, you are ahead of your creations. In this there is great frustration, as you feel all alone in your creations. It is like baking a cake from a cake mix box that has no directions on it, putting it into an oven that is invisible and turning on a timer that does not exist.

Each of you holds your personal 'vision in invisibility.' Every great person that has existed on this earth has held the vision in a place of invisibility. First they imagined it, then they embraced it, and then they loved it until the invisible became true. It did not come by some divine decree. It came into manifestation through the hearts, the yearnings and the desires of those that called it into existence.

You are responsible for creating the invisible dream that dwells in your heart. You hold it as one who holds a baby bird in their hands - comforting it, giving it warmth, nurturing it. You are continually birthing what you need, and what you desire. Most people give up before it is manifested -- the very day the birth is to be announced they quit, they stop, and they walk away. They think who will notice? Who will care? Everything of life notices and everything of life cares! All of Earth was ready to welcome in that manifestation that you so lovingly created, and germinated inside of your heart and that you so thoughtlessly aborted before it was birthed.

Trust the seeds that you have planted. You must trust that what your soul yearns for is true and will come forth and be birthed. The Creator does not ever and can not ever hold back from you or sequester something from you. You are given full reign on earth. You are the ones that will birth the future. When you see a need, fill it. At that moment in time the universe is saying to you - "Help me to birth this. Help God to birth it by just holding the vision long enough for it to manifest".

Each of you is asked continually to help birth a better future, a better Earth, just by you're thinking. Hold the vision of goodness for your world - not just your own creations. Whenever you have an opportunity to seed another's thought - give them the gift of what you know to be truth and hope. Hold that gift long enough until it is birthed. Do not ever give up on it. The Creator, the Source has never given up on you. Do not give up on others. Do not laugh at their dreams or toss their dreams to the wind because sometimes a person's dreams is all that they have to live for. Help to birth the dreams, the desires, and the invisible into the visible.

Gillian MacBeth-Louthan | PO box 217 | Dandridge, Tennessee 37725-0217 | Spiritual Tools for Accelerated Transformation | www.theQuantumAwakening.com | thequantumawakening@hughes.net *

This sounds cool

2009-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

Foundations of Acupressure. Sep 12, 2009
125 hours

Acupressure is an ancient healing art which uses the same theory and points as Acupuncture, utilizing fingertips rather than needles. This class combines learning the theory of Traditional Chinese Medicine and Qi Gong movements with the study of Acupressure. The focus will be on the history, philosophy, scientific studies and practical applications of acupressure.

You will learn to utilize specific points on yourself and others to improve:vitality , reduce fatigue, releive neck and shoulder tension and basic tuina massage for relaxation.

Included in this Foundations class are study and learn:

Meridian body clock

100 + points, location, function, combination, uses

Assessments through pulse, tongue, face reading, palpitation, asking questions...

Basic 5 Elements

Anatomy - internal organs, skeletal structure

Qi Gong - Eight Pieces of Brocade

Hands-on supervised practice every day of this course

Hopefully I'll get to take it soon.

Squeee!

2009-07-13T15:12:00.000-07:00

Image by *santosh via Flickr

August

Reiki II
7 Hours
This class extends your knowledge of Reiki. You will learn about distance healing, emotional and mental healing, meditation, and intention. Practice time will include doing distance healing, scanning techniques, and changing unwanted habits with Reiki. You will receive another attunement that facilitates healing on the emotional and mental level.

Oncology
12 Continuing Education Hours
As a breast cancer survivor herself, Danielle is well informed about what to expect and how to deal with all kinds of cancer. In the class, she will explain how it feels to be diagnosed with cancer and how her own experience as a massage therapist can help others.

The correct touch and correct intention is very important to the client and most importantly that everyone needs human touch. Come learn more about clients with cancer and let us talk about how to approach them with kindness and tenderness.

In this class you will learn:

* How to be at ease around patients with cancer
* How to comfort the client

Beginning Hot Stone
12 Continue Education Hours

Advanced Hot Stone
6 Continue Education Hours

September

Hydrotherapy
12 Continuing Education Hours

Advanced Reiki II ART
7 Hours
You will learn to do emotional and mental healing at a deeper level. Class includes learning advanced techniques that will strengthen the mind. Learn about spiritual protection and how to remove negative psychic energy from yourself and others. You will also receive one more attunement that will increase the strength of your Reiki energy. You must take Advanced Reiki II if you want to take Reiki III Master training. (This class becomes Day 1 of 7 classes in the RIII Master series.)

Reiki Drumming
16 Hours
Just as Reiki promotes relaxation and relief of stress that results in a holistic healing experience, adding the energy and pulse of the drum with Reiki results in a multi-dimensional healing that connects one deeply with the Earth and the Universe. In this class, you will:

~Take a Reiki Journey to heal the part of you that may be hesitant to create sound
~Do group drumming to celebrate the integration of your voice
~Receive a Reiki attunement for you and your healing Reiki drum
~Put Reiki chanting together with Reiki drumming
~ Learn various drumming protocols for:

1. facilitating a basic Reiki drumming session
2. facilitating a change of unhealthy thoughts to healthy and positive thoughts
3. facilitating balance, alignment, harmony in the body, mind, and spirit
4. preparing your sacred space
5. facilitating a Reiki Drumming journey
6. preparing yourself for the Reiki drumming work

~Practice giving and receiving Reiki Drumming sessions...and much more...

Deep Tissue Techniques “Muscle Energy” New
12 Continuing Education Hours

Reiki Healing Oils of Ancient Times
7 Hours
Help you experience the living energy of the 14 principal essential oils of ancient times and how to use them in modern times. This class includes lecture, meditation, anointing, and healing techniques. You can incorporate the oils and techniques in your massage or Reiki sessions. Set to the energy of “JOY”, this class pays respect and honor to your “True Self.” Some say experiencing these ancient oils is like being in "7th Heaven."

October

Thai Massage I
12 Continuing Education Hours

Reiki Raindrop Technique
8 Hours
This process uses 7 single oils and 2 therapeutic blends that are dropped on the receiver’s back in raindrop fashion. By applying special techniques and warm, moist towels, the oils will move deeply into the spine and through the nerve pathways to the afflicted organs, systems, or areas of the body to promote relaxation and pain reduction. This is a technique based on Lakota Native Healing. The oils and Technique can easily and effortlessly be incorporated in your massages and Reiki sessions, or you can do stand-alone Raindrop sessions on friends, family, or clients.

This class will cover:
Essential oils used in the Raindrop session that have been clinically tested to have antiviral, antibacterial, and anti-inflammatory properties.

How to apply these oils using a method designed to optimize the power of healing and alignment in the human body.

Why the quality of essential oils matters, how to avoid toxic imitators, how to be safety conscious and wise when using the oils.

What benefits can be realized; i.e., relieves/reduces back and knee pain, tight shoulders, chronic pain, flushes out toxins, promotes general well being.

Hands-on experience of doing and receiving the Raindrop session.

How to integrate massage, Reiki, Vita Flex (reflexology) with the Raindrop Technique.

Expanding the Raindrop session...and more...

Spa Services
12 Continuing Education Hours
Learn how to MAKE, USE and PROMOTE the Most Popular and Effective Spa Wraps and Scrubs.

Increase your income and expand your menu for less than the cost of getting these body treats at the spa! Sugar and Sea Salt are combined with organic plant and essential oils to exfoliate and moisturize - great as a massage add on or by alone sells for $55-$125. The Detoxifying Herbal Wrap cocoons the client in luxury while purifying the skin, body and soul - found at the world’s top spas sells for $75-$175. Paraffin is a soft wax that when layered over essential oil blends helps relieve dermatitis, eczema, tennis elbow, cellulite and more – an extremely versatile treatment that you can custom for each client dips sell for $5-$45 and wraps $95-$250.

Class Kit includes all materials to use in class as well as materials you can take home.

November

Aromatherapy Treatments For Massage
12 Continuing Education Hours
This two day workshop is explained in simple, uncomplicated terms. You will be able to apply these applications to your practice immediately.

In session one (day one) you will recieve an introduction to aromatherapy covering history, lore, scientific research, contraindications, terminology, extraction, judging quality, proper use and blending techniques. You will become acquainted with the effects of over thirty essential oils (charts included) as well as carrier oils and their properties.

In session two (day two) you will learn and experience several modalities using essential oils to expand your knowledge and practice while treating the whole person. We will cover the healing properties of over 20 essential oils, creating therapeutic blends for muscular problems, digestive problems, detoxifying, infections, and more (charts included).

Each day you will be creating custom aromatherapy massage oils, sprays, lotions, more for personal use and to expand your massage therapy practice.

December

Lymphatic Drainage
Sat Dec 5/Sun Dec 6 2009 at 10:00AM-4:00PM
$225.00 Tuition + $25.00 Non-refundable Registration Fee
+ $50.00 Material Fee
12 Continuing Education Hours

Beginning Reflexology
12 Continuing Education Hours

Senior Massage
12 Continuing Education Hours
Touch can have a far reaching benefit for our elders to provide them with tender love and care! The lasting effects of improved joint mobility, increased blood circulation and minimizing arthritic and muscle pain, can be accomplished through receiving massage therapy. Learn the appropriate massage techniques and body mechanics to use while working with this special population.
January

Beginning Herbs and Nutrition
12 Continuing Education Hours
(Possible Description)Come learn from our herbal friends! Explore which plants are appropriate to use during and after a bodywork session. Our focus will be on topical applications that include the classes of: Anti-inflammatories, Antispasmodics, Analgesics, Emollients, Nervines, Rubefacients, and the Vulneraries. After a detailed discussion and time for in-class application, students will leave the class knowing how to use and apply a handful of herbs for their clients. In addition to this clinical application, the class will be creative. We might make an infused oil, a salve, a poultice and/or a liniment. Please bring 2 large glass jars and 2 small glass jars.

Reiki III Master Teacher/Training -Day 1
7 Hours
Open fully to the power of Reiki and access your spiritual self. Learn advanced techniques for facilitating healing at the spiritual level, i.e., heart healing, celestial healing, crystal healing, and more. In the second half of the Master Series, learn how to teach Reiki and to give Attunements. Receive an attunement to the Master symbol plus four new symbols.

Pre-Natal & Infant
12 Continuing Education Hours
Two workshops for the price of one! Learn client positioning for pregnant woman, contraindications, and the benefits of massage. Also learn about aromatherapy, essential oils and lotions specifically for use on pregnant women, and what not to use! You will learn how to give a relaxing nurturing pre-natal massage, and you will also learn side-lying massage techniques that are beneficial for everyone, especially people who have low back, hip, neck and shoulder pain. You will also be able to incorporate these into your daily routine, and confidently work on people who would benefit from side-lying positions. The second part of the workshop is Infant Massage. This is a great tool to have for those mother's who you have been given Pre-Natal Massages to. Massaging a baby help with circulation and enhancing bodily functions. In this workshop, you will learn how to soothe and relax the baby with gentle massage and stretching techniques. Research studies that have been done in reaction to infants and massage will be discussed, as well as the legal aspects of working with children.

Lift Off

2009-07-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

Image by Seven Pillars Lord Abbaddon via Flickr

This week has really been something. My husband interviewed with NASA. It was a perfect interview; the people he spoke with really loved him & wanted to hire him. However something changed in the job description which meant that my husband no longer qualified for the position. It was a whirlwind of high hopes and expectations. My husband thought he was landing a dream job in a location that we would have loved. And then it did not happen.

Wednesday (the day we found out) we were both pretty crushed. He consoled himself with some Jack Daniels; I had a glass of Lambrusco and triple chocolate bundt cake from Trader Joe's. All combined with some mourning for something we never actually had, just dashed hopes. I did perform Reiki on myself earlier since I was really down. It did help a lot but it wasn't lasting. That day was also our three year wedding anniversary, which got overshadowed by the crap news.

But the next morning (yesterday) I went out to the farm to do my weekly volunteer work. I was still feeling crummy in the morning and actually considered skipping out on the farm. Good thing I went though. Four hours of picking fruit, washing turnips and carrots, and a few other things just dissolved that dank, dark cloud that was hanging over me. I felt renewed without a hint of the despair I felt the day before. It was a beautiful morning, and continued to be a beautiful day. Even today I still feel that vibrant, full, luminous energy. My husband felt the same yesterday as well :)

We were both amazed at how quickly we got over our despair and disappointment. It used to take longer than that. It's gratifying that we can live our lives unsoiled by the unfulfilled expectations that arise from time to time.

So my husband and I decided to make today our anniversary. We're going to go out to a yummy Lebanese restaurant where a friend of ours is belly dancing.

Please visit The Inspired Room for other Beautiful Life posts and share your own!

Reiki I

2009-06-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Today was "wow"! I had my Reiki I class from basically 9:30AM to 5PM. I wasn't too aware of what Reiki was except that it had to do with universal energy work. So in class we went over some of Reiki's history, some basic chakra stuff and a couple meditations. We took a break for lunch. When we reconvened our instructor gave us an attunement which is basically a guided meditation with the aid of "beings of light" and the instructor performing a few things on each person.

For the most part during this attunement it felt like a deep, relaxed meditation. Nothing was happening out of the ordinary that I couldn't do with a self-meditation at home. It was near the very end when the instructor went around to each of us again and performed a few things, completing the circuit, that I had my Holy Shit moments. I was sitting on a chair with my hands in front of my heart in a prayer position. I then started to breath quicker than the long, deep breaths we were taking. I started to feel a quiver start in my abdominal area, and spread down to the medial & inner sides of my legs and up my chest. This quivering feeling only got more intense. It escalated to the point where the affected areas had that pins & needles feeling multiplied by 100. It was intense. I felt this intense energy heavily rolling in & up my stomach and pulsating in & on my legs. My face was affected too though not as strongly. Meanwhile I'm thinking Holy Shit over and over, then thinking maybe I should stop thinking Holy Shit.

Next our guide was instructed to come to me (all of us) and present me with a gift. I asked my guide (just a brightness) if this intense engery & what I was feeling was safe. I was told it was very powerful and very safe. Then I was presented with a seedling. Our instrucor told us to put our gifts to our hearts and a few other things, and then it was finished. Slowly that intense feeling dissapated.

We all shared our experiences. I was first and I didn't mention my gift since I was focusing on the Holy Shit aspect, but the people after me mentioned their gifts. So when we were on break I asked my instructor if she has any interpretation of her own what my gift may mean (since she offered her guess to others). She said that my intense experience sounded like some major grounding to my body & earth for me; then she said the seedling sounded like I had a deep connection to nature, which I affirmed. She wanted to know if I had looked into any shamanic healing practices.

Now remember that psychic reading I received from a deep tissue instructor a few weeks ago? During that reading I was told that I had a Native American shaman by my side who could work through me to heal. I was advised to look into studying shamanic healing practices. It just so happened that we had an introduction book around the apartment about that, and I've been reading it. My husband and I even practiced the first step (discovering your power animal).

So I relay this to my Reiki instructor. She says she has a Reiki friend she practices with who is also a shamanic practitioner. He (the friend) is going to start offering workshops on shamanic practices (which my instructor wants to take as well) and said she'd let me know when they start if I was interested. I told her I was; she has my contact information.

We finished up class by doing Reiki on eachother with a partner and discussing that.

It was a fascinating class with fascinating experiences.

this is why

2009-06-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

My massage clinics are going very well. I need just one more to complete my CMT. I did two yesterday (my first minor and first male), and did two more today (a lady and my husband).

Yesterday was interesting in that both of the clients gave me a 4 out of 5 on the feedback form but didn't give me any written comments, like how I could improve or whatnot. Before that I always got back some form of written feedback. I prefer written feedback so I know where I am strong and where I am weak. Anywho, this was beneficial to me in a different way. It just reminded me (as my husband first pointed out) that I had to be okay with not always knowing if they loved it, meh-ed it, or hated it. I just have to do the best I can and let happen whatever happens for them.

Plus, I have a perfectionist tendency which isn't really healthy or beneficial for this line of work. There is a lot of talk about how as a person working in the healing arts you just have to provide a safe, loving space for your client to heal. You are not the one healing them; you are just providing them the opportunity and space for them to heal themselves. You cannot inflict your ego on them. If the client is not open to healing while you are providing your service, then you cannot take that personally at all: you cannot let your ego invade their safe, loving space. Once you let your ego do that, then it becomes about you and not the client, which is counter to what the intention should be. This is one of the hardest things to grasp and keep tabs on when working in the healing arts.

My other clinic today was also a godsend. She came in 10 minutes late for her appointment, was stressed out already since there was a lot of traffic & she got lost. I told her she had to fill out the consent and background forms before receiving her massage, that her massage would have to be abbreviated since she was late and I had another client after her. Man, she was not happy about that at all. She started saying how if she knew that she would have canceled, asking "Is this even worth it now?" "Do I really have to fill these out now, we're already wasting time?" and so on. I told her she really did need to fill out the forms first and could cancel if she wanted since I didn't want to force her to do something she didn't want to do. However, she just hastily filled them out (with a huff) and soon enough I was massaging her.

She got a little chatty halfway into the massage, making politce conversation. At one point she asked what made me get into this line of work. I told her, "I want to help people, that there were a lot of stressed out people who need help." After I said that a little switch in my head flipped on and mentally I added, "I'm doing this for you." It made me chuckle on the inside and made the situation 100% better. After the massage the lady was quite noticeably happier and relaxed (despite the time constraint). She basically apologized for her behavior earlier, saying she understood that I couldn't give her the whole hour. She asked how to go about scheduling her next massage. I wished her a good day, gave her a half-hug, and she went merrily on her way. She definitely reminded me why stressed out people need to relax and sometimes need help doing so :)

direct intuitive

2009-06-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

I believe in psychics. I do think it can be really difficult to find genuine psychics since so many frauds are out there to just make a buck. However, I have had the pleasure of getting to know one of my instructors for the past 12 weeks who happens to be a psychic herself. Throughout these past 12 weeks I have come to (easily) believe she is a genuine intuitive person. She does readings at a holistic bookstore on Fridays and recently my husband went to receive a reading from her. She was spot on with everything. From the relationship between him and his mother (which is difficult for people to understand & I said nothing about) to his job situation and his struggles with how he does mathematics. This and some other things came out in just 15 minutes with my husband not uttering or responding to anything until she was done.

So that's just my intro to what came up in my reading I received from her yesterday. Several things came up, but the biggest thing I got out of it was the answer I received from a question I asked. Since high school I became aware of the possibility that I might have a half-sibling out there in the world. Back in the day my dad had a girlfriend. One day she told him she was pregnant, and my dad just split. He never followed up or anything with her. For all anyone knew she could have been lying, had an abortion or really was pregnant and had a child.

I wanted to know once and for all what the answer to that question was: did I have a half-sibling? I didn't tell her the story behind it, I just asked the question. The answer she gave was "yes," a half-sister. She didn't feel that the sister knew about us (my family). She felt the sister was on the east coast. Then she counseled me on how to go about the situation & finding her, and relayed how her husband also found out a while ago that he had a half-sister, etc.

Personally, I felt I had a half-sister. I even think her name may be Cheryl, Carol, something of that sort (when trying to be intuitive myself). Who knows what will come of it but I am at least going to try to find her, assuming she exists.

grand, magical and exciting

2009-06-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Life feels grand, magical and exciting at the moment. I am officially taking the acupressure class thanks to my miraculous husband. I've already been to one class; the material & instructor are excellent! The next class is next Friday, hoorah!

Tomorrow is my last day of deep tissue class, and my last day of regular massage classes. No more regular class schedule. No more seeing the same people four days a week for a dozen weeks. I don't think it'll be too weird for me but I think the other people in my class will miss it. For me, I'm just excited that it's over, meaning I'm so much closer to getting my certificates. I still need to do my clinic hours, but I'm already so close to finishing up hours for my CMT classes. Deep tissue needs even less hours so it'll go by quickly enough.

My husband is looking for a new job and it's rather exciting. He's getting calls from various recruiters for San Francisco companies, a few of which sound really good to him. There is one company in particular that sounds great for him which he'll be speaking with tomorrow. I've already told my husband that should he get a job offer in San Francisco, I am willing to cut short my massage training here and continue it elsewhere. I already have the two major modules completed with (almost), and I trust in Spirit/myself that things will unfold however they need to. Whether he finds a new job here or in SF, it's exciting nonetheless :)

my sweet husband

2009-05-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it actually seems like I will be able to take that acupressure workshop! It's not finalized yet, but its chances are a lot higher than before. My husband should be coming into some money this week which will be more than enough to cover it. Even more touching though is that this money, which we have known is coming for a few months now, was earned by my husband. The plan was to use it to buy him a new laptop since his current one is owned by his job. Then today my husband shared with me his idea to use that money to help finance my massage education! I totally was not expecting that and made sure he was absolutely alright with it.

It really touches me soul that he cares that much about my passion, education and happiness. I am so blessed and fortunate to have him in my life.

P.S.-- I will be quite impressed if I get to take this acupressure workshop since only a month or so ago I was so worked up over it but didn't see how I could afford it, leaving it up to some "miracle" to cover it for me. It would be just one more example of how awesome & extraordinary life unfolds.

terrible twos

2009-05-20T20:51:00.001-07:00

I am in a very emotional state. Sometimes I feel like I get so irrationally frustrated that I could burst into tears exactly like a toddler. In just two weeks of deep tissue massage I have felt like this twice in class. The first time was because I felt like I wasn't grasping the massage moves, and the second major time was today when I didn't have a chance to practice a move. Seriously, I felt like a toddler that could burst into frustrated tears; I was having to hold them back while wondering what the hell was going on with me.

Oh I just remembered a third time this happened, today. I asked if we needed to bring pillows to class tomorrow, like we had been doing this week though we haven't had a chance to use them. Since I walk to school this is a burden to me and I didn't want to bring a pillow for a third time if it wasn't going to be used. My instructor forgot that I walked to class and said I didn't have to bring one tomorrow, and I could borrow one if we did use them. She was sympathetic to my minor plight. I started to get teary eyed with frustration reflecting on how I had brought a pillow twice when we didn't end up using them. It all seems to boil down to a "It's not fair! How about me!" tantrum that's ready to spill out at any frustrated point. I just don't know why.

I have been pretty blissfully happy. Maybe this is my weakened ego making a come back? Maybe the Fresno trip (with some clashing of the egos happening between myself and my dad) stirred up some more things? Or maybe I'm a bit more emotionally drained since a few of my friends are going through some major heart ache? Or maybe it's A, B and C?

I need to listen to myself and try to figure this out. It's just so odd because I honestly feel like a vulnerable toddler with a short, delicate fuse when this happens. Hmmm.

frustrated foes

2009-05-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an odd day in massage class for me. We were learning massage strokes for the head, and I was finding it particularly difficult. I wasn't feeling any flow, it felt awkward for me, and I was just feeling stuck. I got so frustrated that I could have literally started crying. Then other negative emotions started to creep up; it was very odd and bizarre. I hadn't felt that frustrated with massage ever, nor that frustrated just in general in a very long time.

Lunch came, we went outside to eat, and during then it melted away. I don't know why; I did try to calm myself down before lunch, so maybe that helped. Or it could have just been the break that helped. But after that I felt much better. I even practiced it on my husband later that night, in part because I didn't want to remain frustrated with it when I had to do it again. The only way I was going to get a handle on it was if I practiced. And even with a new kitty jumping on the massage table every other minute, I wasn't nearly as frustrated as I was during class.

I'm not very experienced at recognizing what's my energy and what it someone else's. I'm rather curious if it was someone else's energy overlapping/shadowing mine that made me that frustrated. But I don't know. I just wanted to record that odd experience and share it. Sometimes you feel off, but it's only temporary.

fruits of my labor

2009-05-06T07:27:00.000-07:00

This week is the last week of my first massage module. I actually have an anatomy final today, and tomorrow was supposed to be my practitioner's test. That's the test where we have to do a massage in an hour while the instructor watches and grades. Well yesterday we had the option of taking the practitioner's test then instead of Thursday, so that's what we did. It was awesome getting it out of the way. After the test the instructor speaks with you privately and tells if you if you passed (though it's rare for anyone to fail). Now I haven't really gotten much comment in class about my progress, just instructions when my back or wrist isn't straight enough, or a good job here & there. So I wasn't expecting much.

The praise I got was some of the most flattering ever, the kind of praise that touches me more. Stuff like how it was a joy & beautiful to watch me massage since my body mechanics are perfect and I had a peaceful, healing energy when doing so. I mean, wow, I was not expecting that :) But it's what I want to be. I told her I was very glad to hear that, and practically skipped home. I'm just so --I can't think of adequate words-- happy? satisfied? fulfilled? that what I've been working towards for these past several years is easily unfolding & coming to be now. It's so encouraging; it's the kind of fuel that makes the journey that much easier.

There is an acupressure class that I really wanted to take but I don't think the money's going to come through this time. I'm not counting it out yet, but I'm not holding my breath either. I was quite worked up over it, trying to budget and figure out how to make it work. But now I just figure if I'm meant to take it, the money will show. And if not, there will be a next time. I will just have to focus on other classes this summer.

So next week I start deep tissue classes! Isn't is a beautiful life?

*** Fruit Infused Water***

I made some apple/basil water last night. It is quite refreshing and delicious, so here's the simple recipe if you want to try for yourself.

1 large or 2 small apples (Gala, Granny Mmith, Fuji, basically any crunchy kind that is not Red Delicious)

2 sprigs of basil (~a dozen leaves). I used fresh basil.

* Slice apples.
* Chop or crunch basil leaves.
* Put together in a very large cloth "tea bag" or wrap in cheese cloth (basically anything you can fashion out of a cloth that will let the water diffuse through it.)
* Fill a pitcher with water and put the wrapped apple slices & basil in it. (I use filtered water.)
* Set in fridge overnight.
* Take out apples & basil in morning. (Optional: add fresh leaves and apple slices to pitcher.)

Take a sip!

it pains my heart; my heart bursts

2009-05-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching a 2001 documentary called Life and Debt which is "a feature-length documentary which addresses the impact of the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, the Inter-American Development Bank and current globalization policies on a developing country such as Jamaica." Oh I am quite aware of how various countries exploit the weak & poor, but getting down to the details always makes my heart hurt. But then it swells my heart with more compassion to want to do something, anything, to help, even if it's so slight that I don't know if it's making a real difference. I just want to try.

I think now I am finally ready to commit to buying fair trade clothing, period. It is much more affordable to buy now than it was even 5 years ago. There are more places online to purchase affordable fair trade clothing from various co-ops from all over the world. The thought of my shirt or jeans coming from a "free zone" in Jamaica, a sweat shop in China, India, Honduras, Pakistan, anywhere, is weighing on my conscious more and more. I am fortunate enough to live in America, to not be of the poorer class in this country, and to be able to afford things that the vast majority of this world cannot. The country I live in exploits the world just so I can afford my relatively luxurious life. I need to do as much as I can, one step at a time. And this is my next step.

This is why I love blogging. I love committing my thoughts, my insights, my goals in written format available for whoever to see. If I am lucky enough, it inspires others to live to their highest potential. But mostly I do it for myself. To help center my thoughts and orient my path. This particular blog has been active for a year now, and is one I dearly cherish. Thank you (the other) Lea from Ocean of Perspectives for thinking of me.

spring loaded

2009-04-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

It is interesting and shocking how one little event can unleash to much emotion. In this case it was a large, hairy spider that shook me up. First off, I am terrified of spiders. My fear exponentially increase the larger the spider is. It wasn't my hysterical reaction to the spider that caught me off guard. Rather this scary event triggered something deeper in me that I didn't know I had; I have thought of about this "something" on and off again, but this time it made me break down and sob that uncontrollable, heart-wrenching sob. It lasted for only a few minutes at most, but was definitely unexpected. I would not have thought a spider that was really no more than 1 1/2 inches in diameter could be the first domino in an emotional breakdown.

I acknowledge that I have these deeper (I guess unresolved) emotions. I just don't know how to take care of them. Maybe time is all that is needed, though I doubt it. It's more like I need to forgive myself, to not lay guilt on my conscience. Because I do feel some of that.

Show my idea some love :)

2009-04-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

You have to register to vote, but the winners get $10K for their idea, most of which are altruistic ones. So I figure why not?

fun planning

2009-04-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

I have completed the first half of this first massage module; I'm three weeks closer to becoming a certified massage therapist in the county. This means that I get to start seriously looking at business cards and web designs! Of course I will only be sticking with friends, family, and people who come highly recommended by the former two. Still it's nice to have the professional stuff on hand. Here's a free web template I found online. I changed the header, and will of course tweek the content, though I'm keeping mum on the business name until it's official. I already have the web domain registered :)

It has that clean, Zen feel that I'm fond of. The business cards also have illustrated cherry blossoms against a crisp, white background. Finally it's becoming less of a dream and more of a reality. Before I'd create mock sites & cards for this practice, but now I'm actually gaining the skills and knowledge to make it manifest.

So that's basically what I did this Friday and Saturday, aside from the farmers' market and a nice surprise dinner that my husband treated us to.

****************************************

Since I've started walking to school my body has responded quite nicely. It is so much easier to exercise when it is incorporated into your daily life. My anatomy classes though have taught me the serious importance of exercise & consuming enough water, for starters. Because of that I have gone back to the gym to do weight lifting/resistance exercises, vital for bone health. In general people think their bones are a solid, stable mass when inreality your skeletal system is so dynamic and in constant flux. So drink plenty of water and exercise! Or else you'll be feeling the consequences, especially as you get older.

I know I have more things to say besides websites & bones, but I need to organize my thoughts more or else I end up rambling like this.

Good night!

personal dream school

2009-04-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

Massage school is going great! It feels like I've stepped through a doorway into a wonderful world of, well in a way, magic. And there are still so many different avenues of massage I can (and will) learn. It's a small, intimate class that I feel very comfortable in. We have to shed our modesty/shame/embarrassment of ourselves for eachother since we practice our massages on eachother. I can't hide that large, hairy mole on my back from everyone forever, nor my pale, stubbly legs. Also, I figure that if I expect future clients to undress for me, I shouldn't have any qualms doing it for class. That, and if anyone does happen to judge my body, they're in the wrong field, and I just shouldn't care. It's all a good exercise for myself.

I really feel this is the start of a new sort of life. I've already started little things like actually drinking a good amount of water a day, where before I just couldn't bring myself to do it, nor care. But after last anatomy class---People, drink water! Please, we really need to! Haha, that's how much of an impact it had on me. Doing the massages themselves feels akin to a slow, martial art like qi gong. You need balance, grace, energy, and form for starters. Then learning the different ways massage can positively effect the body is just astounding! It's even more inspiring to learn all I can.

This post is more me just gushing without any point-- except, I guess, for you to follow your passion. This is only the beginning for me, but it feels so wonderful.

it is what it is-- and then a solution appeared!

2009-03-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday another financial surprise caught us off-guard. We were already tight on money because of the auto repair bill. The rest of the month's expenses were figured out & expected to be fine as long as were didn't spend anything in excess & stuck to the basics.

However, a bill that we thought was already accounted for got automatically deducted from our bank account yesterday, leaving us with only half of what we had left! That gave us $3 for ten days until pay day (the rest had to go to bills due before April). We would definitely need to buy gas, sheets for massage school, possibly food, send out books we sold on Amazon, and just $3 is never a good buffer in a bank account. Oh, we also don't use or have credit cards.

So this new financial surprise took the wind out of our sails, and we were both trying not to panic or let this define us. My husband went to lay down while I sat on the couch trying to think of some sort of strategy to keep our account from going in the red. But I just couldn't think of one.

At first I tried blaming my husband for not being sure that this bill was already paid, but that didn't work. Then I tried blaming myself for paying for my massage school up front when I also had the option of paying it in multiple payments, which would have left us with a nice chunk right now. But that didn't work since there was nothing I could do about that now, and since I still stand by the reasoning my husband & I had for paying it upfront.

That is when I wrote the "it is what it is" entry yesterday. I felt that was all I could really do. Then with perfect timing at the very end of that entry, right before I wrote "Thank you," a solution came to me! It seemed so obvious I was surprised I hadn't thought of it before. So I wrote "Thank you" to whoever for giving me the solution, and went straight to Aaron. He was quite delighted with it too and couldn't believe how obvious it was, especially since we had done it before.

My husband and I have this happen to us often enough (moreso in college) where we are faced with an extraordinary financial issue that has the potential to extremely stress out. But once we accept the situation for what it is a solution come to us. In college the solution would be an unexpected, random check to us in the mail within days, or something similar in nature. We were not eligible nor capable then to solve those financial issues the same way we can today.

______________________________

I'll share what we did though I only recommend it if you truly know you can pay it back, and if this situation isn't a common one for you, but rather is born out of extraordinary, rare circumstances. (That's just my opinion.) We took out a cash advance with Advance America/Cash Advance. We used them once before when we first moved into this apartment, got our car and were extremely tight on cash with all the extra expenses from that month. It was a helpful, short term loan that we were more than able to pay back a couple weeks later. The same applies to the situation we are in now, and this solution works for us. If we did have an "emergency" credit card, we are afraid we would find other non-emergency excuses to use it, so for now we're still holding off on getting one.

it is what it is

2009-03-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's just hard when you know you have no one or no thing to blame. Even when I try to take the blaming route, I just end up back where I am knowing it is what it is. So trying to blame something is useless, and so is going "If I had only..." because you obviously didn't and it is what it is.

Sometimes it's just hard not knowing what you're going to do. Even when you try to think of strategies to help relieve the situation, and you find none of them really work... it's just hard sometimes to accept it is what it is.

But that's what it is. Try to remember that this too shall pass. That's all you can do sometimes.

Thank you.

the car has access to our bank account

2009-03-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

Along with the exciting event of signing up for massage school, something else happened this past weekend. My husband and I were driving to the mall when we started hearing this odd noise coming from under the car. We had no idea what it was, and still don't, but it caused us to pull the car over and check it out. For a couple weeks our brakes have been squeaking but we kept putting off getting them checked out. Well, my husband pulled off the hubcap looking to see what caused this odd noise and also saw how dangerously low the brake pads were.

Seeing how bad they were made us take the car into a shop right away that day. Turned out all our brake pads and rotors had to be replaced. Can you say $907 bill? Haha.

However my reaction and viewpoint on the situation wasn't "Oh my god, this bill totally sucks! Eff those mechanics/my car!" (By the way, our used car is 11 years old with probably nothing having been replaced on it.) How I saw it was "Thank goodness this happened now when we just got our tax return back, and have a surplus of money." Do you know how many people are out there that simply wouldn't be able to get their car fixed with a bill that high?

My husband was a bit upset at first because he thought it might ruin how happy I was Saturday (from enrolling in school). But I explained how I viewed the situation and was just grateful; that made him feel much better and he was quite thankful too.

This is also the first month that we don't have any credit cards sucking hundreds of dollars from us, hence the extra money. Funny thing is our car has a tendency of speaking up about getting fixed when we actually have extra money to do it. Thank you, little green car!

PS- That odd noise that made up pull over in the first place stopped once we actually pulled over and hasn't returned since.

Edit for Friday:
Check out Melissa's post at The Inspired Room to see links to other people's posts about their inspired week, and share yours too if you want :)

Yay! Enrolled in massage school!

2009-03-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Friday was my last day at the temp office job, and at 10AM Saturday I enrolled at the massage school under their Holistic Health Practitioner program!

Here's what I'll be learning in the first six weeks:

Swedish Massage
Intro to Senior Massage
Intro to Pre-Natal Massage
Intro to Deep Tissue Massage
Contraindications
Anatomy
Business/Marketing
Body Mechanics
Ethics
Self Care for the Massage Therapist
Student Clinics

And then I can take extra classes during the week night and weekend, which I plan to take. On the menu: reflexology, hot stone massage, herbs & nutrition, and more!

I start in a couple weeks :)

From this morning.
I got the freesia flowers from the farmers' market yesterday.

the sugar experiment

2009-03-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

I am a bit of a sugar addict. I don't know an average person's sugar cravings but I am always in the mood for sugar, unless I just finished overdosing on it. Brownies, ice cream, cinnamon buns, pie, cookies, cupcakes, chocolate... the list goes on and I always desire it. Just a couple weeks ago I make some brownies, bought some vanilla ice cream, and had the combination of the two for dinner every night that week. That is not good, at all.

So this week I'm consciously trying to not eat (junk) sugar except:

When I add it to coffee.
Dark chocolate.
If someone gives me some for whatever reason (ie a co-worker brings in leftover birthday cake)

The last one hasn't happened in a while but if it did I know I'd eat it, or regret not eating free cake.

I have already said "No" to the Starbucks cupcakes and tarts, and have passed up a couple sugar opportunities. I think I can keep this up, and I want to as well. I also want to see if my sugar scale-down has any effect on my body. Sugar can really bloat a person and is just plain unhealthy.

Now I just need to up my calcium and protein intake. How pitiful a person's diet can become if you stop being mindful of it, and let it fall to the wayside. But I'm always up for attempting again and again at making it healthy, so I don't beat myself up over it. It's just interesting that several months ago I was eating quinoa, fresh veggies, brown rice and eggs, and then reverted back to easy, sugar fixes. Don't worry, Quinoa, I haven't forgotten you yet!

Advice to myself in regards to massage school

2009-03-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

Be gentle with yourself. You are there to learn, not to go in knowing everything.

“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”

2009-02-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

I forgive everyone, including myself.

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself on the spiritual path. If you can’t learn to forgive, you can forget about getting to higher levels of awareness.
-Dr. Wayne Dyer

I visited Dyer's Daily Inspiration page as it's a very nifty way to get moment-pausing quotes that help you stay aligned with a more peaceful path. This quote is definitely something I want to keep in my life. It can be very hard to follow but it is worth every effort made to live up to it. Recently a certain someone popped into mine and Aaron's life again. This person is the only known person who can easily & unknowingly push Aaron buttons, which pushes my buttons. This person has spread who knows what sort of sordid stories against Aaron to his family & whoever will listen, which again, pushes me to anger and pettiness. These past couple days all I want to do is confront this person, and lay a list of complaints at their feet. But it's not my place to do that, nor is it productive.....or forgiving.

Intellectually I know this person hates themself. This person has no love for themself, and it manifests in destructive ways against themself and others. But I obviously haven't realized this yet. Where is my compassion? Where is my forgiveness? Just writing that brings tears to my eyes. Where is it? For this person, I don't know. I need to work on it; I want to work on it.

I want to have love and compassion and forgiveness for those that tend to anger me most.

I find that those who strike against the ones I love most are the ones I have the hardest time forgiving. Thanks goodness those strikers are few in number, eh?

But those that strike are also the ones that have the least love for themselves. I've seen that. I need to know it now.

Writing this out has helped immensely. I didn't realize how much anger was festering against this person. And now it feels deflated, which is nice & comforting.

*Title quote is from Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

Elizabeth Gilbert: A different way to think about creative genius.

2009-02-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

I found myself over at My Inspiration Lounge and came across this post:

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, muses on the impossible things we expect from artists and geniuses -- and shares the radical idea that, instead of the rare person "being" a genius, all of us "have" a genius. It's a funny, personal and surprisingly moving talk.

I loved this talk! I've read her Eat Pray Love book, which I loved as well.

acts of encouragement

2009-02-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

I had an okay day, but I arrived home feeling a bit blah, despite the awesome fact that I'm finally getting my coat dry-cleaned and relined. So I ate 4 small brownies and settled on guacamole & chips for dinner. Yeah, not quite healthy. Surfing the web was making my dull mind go around in circles, so I finally decided to stop and meditate.

The most common sense stuff is relayed to me when meditating a lot of times. This time it was, "Stop eating that junk, and start eating the right food." Not in a critical way, just in a nurturing "do some good for yourself" way. Our dining table has been covered in junk for a while now. The other day I envisioned it clean again, and eating a healthy breakfast there. While meditating I had the same vision. The bulk of the meditation focused on love and healing. Good, energizing stuff.

When it was over, I got up and started clearing our dining room table. I also put away the guacamole. Now I can sit there and at least drink a glass of milk with some toast there, instead of sitting on the couch eating nothing. After that, I offered Aaron a massage. My massages really help alleviate the pain in his back. I personally try to give him weekly massages, but I fall by the wayside every now and then. He eagerly accepted the offer.

Usually with Aaron, his shoulder muscles are what give him trouble. Over 90% of the time I focus on that area. But for whatever reason I wasn't moved to massage that area hardly at all this time. I mostly focused on his middle to lower back. A couple of times I moved up to the usual shoulder area just to see if anything came to me do to, but I never felt compelled to stay there, so I focused on his mid-lower back again.

After the massage I asked Aaron if it was his mid-lower back bothering him this time. He said it was, and that his shoulders were actually pretty fine this time.

Massages like this encourage me to not doubt going to massage school or get frightened that I'm making the wrong choice. Though I wonder if the only reason I have a certain intuition when massaging Aaron is because we are so close; that maybe with other people I won't feel that same intuition. But if that proves to be the case, at least I'll learn more massage skills that will help me help my husband's chronic back pain. I think that's worth it.

just playing around.

2009-02-05T22:52:00.001-08:00

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Wix.com

i left my coat in bodega bay

2009-02-05T20:54:00.000-08:00

Hen Hao!

Tuesday and Wednesday were interesting. I was so pissy and just down in the dumps at my job on Tuesday. I felt overwhelmed and contemplated coming into work on Saturday since I thought I wouldn't be able to finish something before next week. Then that evening I decided to meditate. It had been 3 days since I last had, and even longer before that. (Funny how meditation can be all you do morning and evening, then just as easily fall to the wayside & repeat.) I meditated again Wednesday morning (it had been ages since doing a meditation before work), and just had the most delightful, energy filled day. I'd say today (Thursday) was an average of the two.

But it was enjoyable & interesting having the juxtaposition of the "piss in your pants" Tuesday and the "blue skys are smiling at me" Wednesday. It really illustrates how it's not the situation so much as your attitude that effects your day. Of course it may have also been a nudge to get me to meditate more regularly.

I don't want to say that meditating "cures" things like lousy days. For me, though, it connects me with the things that are truly important and real in this world. Those things are love, light and peace (the latter two being products of the former in my opinion). When love, light and peace are propped up against paper work, office space and phone calls, then those last three things become totally manageable.

My world expands from being this microcosm of uncomfortable office chair and terrible lighting to an ever-expansive universe of possibilities, hope and creation.

As of today, the goal my husband and I had of paying off two HUGE credits cards was realized. It was the reason I took on this job, and we have stayed true to our intentions. I'm still not totally believing it quite yet. It's like a yoke has been taken off my neck, but I still feel its soreness. When we don't have to pay those credit cards next month is when it'll probably kick in :)

And yes, I really did leave my coat in Bodega Bay (super lovely, awesome, every-positive-word-in-the-thesaurus weekend getaway!) That's what happens when you use the hotel closet when you usually throw your coat on the floor or on a chair ;)

how do you give yourself a dose of your own medicine?

2009-01-22T21:01:00.000-08:00

That's what I need. Intellectually I know the reasons I have put myself in this job situation. But I still find myself struggling to keep balance.

My mind feels blank. This life of going through the motions without passion or joy in the work I am doing... quite frankly is hell. Call it First World White Collar Hell, if you will. I know this is only temporary (March 13!) so that I can finally begin massage school, and make a positive, passionate difference in this world. This sacrifice is worth that, at least.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to write down all the positive ideas and things I want to do with my massage therapy career.

Start my own massage therapy business that partners with a women's shelter. Create a symbiotic relationship where I give the shelter women free massages.
Through my business, garner donations to pass along to shelter.
To give clients incentive to donate, will initiate a program where for any $X given, that is the percentage they get discounted on their next massage. (I still need to work out the logistics of whether this is offered every day? week? month?) I will up the reward in December for the holidays.
This partnership won't only be personally fulfilling, but I think it would be good for my business in terms of advertising. My clients get the satisfaction of knowing their money is not only going towards their massage, but also towards a good cause.
I will only use fluorescent lights after I have exhausted all other means to avoid them. Fluorescent lights are the bane of my office existence.
My massage therapy office/business will have real color painted on the walls, like rich purple, vibrant green or turquoise, and art will be hung up. No more drab, sterile office dwelling for me.
Hopefully, later on if/when my business is successful, I can create a sort of massage therapy organization where other massage therapists/businesses can join if they also partner with a cause & form their own symbiotic relationship. Good for advertising in saying you are part of a good organization that gives back to people, but also good for people! This is only a fringe idea though. We'll see where I am 10 years from now first.
No more working for crazy people.
I want to model my business after this "social business" concept:

Revolutionary economist Muhammad Yunus's new book "Creating a World Without Poverty" outlines his vision for an original business model that combines the power of free markets with the quest for a more humane world - and tells the inspiring stories of companies that are doing this work today. Yunus is the founder of Grameen Bank, a pioneer of microcredit - an economic movement that has helped lift millions of families around the word out of poverty - and the author of Banker to the Poor: Micro-lending and the Battle Against World Poverty.
http://www.uctv.tv/search-details.asp?showID=14514

Okay, that does feel better. C'mon Lea, you can do it!

note to self

2009-01-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

Patience

Fortitude

Let go of resentment

Be kind to myself; I deserve it

These are four things I need to work on.

oh what fun it is to get a flat tire on christmas eve, hey!

2008-12-31T10:36:00.001-08:00

No, really, I am not being sarcastic. While my husband and I were driving up to a Christmas Eve party along dark, twisty, remote roads in the rain, the front tire went flat. It was a first for us, and somewhat exciting for me. The most noteworthy part though was the fact that I was the calm person. I honestly was not freaked out in the least; I calmly called a couple people to get the phone number of the people we were visiting (who were only 2 miles away). I didn't start, or even think of, bemoaning the fact we would have to buy new tires now. It was just a new experience that I was happily enjoying.

My husband and I even commented we couldn't have gotten a flat tire at a more perfect time.

We had easy, quick access to friends & family who came to our rescue with a better jack, a huge umbrella, and their experience.
It occured a day before our 3 hour trip to visit my family, so it was much better getting the flat & fixing it beforehand than it would have been on the trip.
We could actually afford to replace the tires.
Not to mention giving us a valuable lesson in How To Change Your Tire; now go out and buy a flashlight.

And here's that awesome synchronicity that I love:

The people we were visiting (and who I called for help) had done some television insallation that afternoon. Turns out that they had wired something wrong and unplugged the phone, so it was out for the whole afternoon. Only minutes before I called though did they realize this error, and plugged the phone back in. Voila! My phone call got through to them without a hitch.

the universe gave me the day off

2008-12-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Here's an synchronicity anecdote if you ever needed one.

So last Monday I showed up to work except this time the door was locked. The Friday before I had just been given a key to the office, but for the first time ever I decided to leave my purse (which had my keys) home that Monday morning. My other co-workers are supposed to be there, and I do see a light on, but no one was answering my knocking.

I decided to call the phone number I had saved for the office (which ended up being a direct line to my boss, who wasn't in, and thus my message never got to my co-workers). Then I called my husband, and he dropped me off at the mall. I did a little shoe shopping, and spent the rest of the day at my husband's office relaxing. I was anxious that I hadn't gotten a call though on my cell phone from my co-workers. But I figured if they needed me, they would call since that previous Friday I had also given my number to my co-worker.

The next day everything is normal: the office door is unlocked, my co-workers are in, and I explain everything that happened Monday. Turns out they were at work yesterday, but stepped out of the office for a little bit to get breakfast. They say they saw me get in the car with my husband when he picked me up just as they were coming back from getting breakfast. However, my co-worker forgot that she had my phone number and so didn't call me. She only remembered at the end of the day.

So are you ready for the twist?

I was doing my time sheet today, and opened up last pay period's time sheet. Turns out that I forgot to assign myself any hours for that Monday I missed. So if everything had worked as they usually had, I would have worked but not have gotten paid for it.

Crazy, eh?

Thank you, Universe, for honoring my time sheet, and giving me the day off :)

some warm fuzzies for the heart

2008-12-16T21:19:00.001-08:00

the office

2008-12-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

At times I feel the office is my nemesis. I become more sluggish, irritable, and drained when at the office. Of course this is why I left in the first place. The reason I decided to take on this 4.5 month office job was to catalyst the monetary income so we could pay off our credit cards once and for all. That way I could enroll in massage school and be able for afford it since our credit debt would be extinguished. Everything lined up perfectly with me getting this job. I know it is something I want to and need to do in order to go to massage school as soon as possible. But it's quite easy for me to forget this while I'm sitting under fluorescent lights in a broken office chair, staring at a computer screen, waiting for any work to come my way.

Maybe this is the sealant for confirming that I can never happily work in an office environment. Maybe this is a little lesson in temporary sacrifice/uncomfortableness for a greater good. Maybe it's to show me that being mindful and at peace isn't just something you learn and keep without constantly working on. I may have spent 8 months cultivating balance and serenity, but that can all easily fly out the window if you let it. Hmm, that one hits a chord. Because that's what I seem to be reminding myself. When I get frustrated at the super slow computer, I literally close me eyes, take a few breaths, and just try to settle down again. I didn't use to do that at my former job.

My husband has started helping me by reminding me of the bigger picture-- that I will finally start training to be a holistic massage therapist once this gig is up.

But boy, it is already challenging and I have only been at the office for a month.

Still, there are joys too. I really like the people I'm working with. They're all genuinely nice and caring.
.........................................................................................

Something else I was reflecting on:

Food

I have taken an interest again in eating healthy. That is another struggle I try to handle, some days better than others. I am aware that there is a connection between what your body consumes and your physical/mental/spiritual well being. Yet time and again I let sweets and pizza into my body. Just tonight we ordered a pizza. And just yesterday I ate some pastries, after already eating many more pastries the entire week. I don't know why I crave the sugar. I have been craving it more since giving up drinking several months ago. I thought it would cease over time, but it hasn't.

That is still not excuse enough though. Here are some websites that I like to frequent:

101 Cookbooks I especially recommend the sushi bowl recipe

Mediterrasian Oh everything here looks divine! My husband and I love Asian and Mediterranean food so I was very happy to discover this site this week.

Quinoa Porridge Please give this one a try. It's quite delish & healthy. It originated from the Clean Eating Magazine, which is a treasure in the sea of cooking magazine out there.

So that is what has been on my mind lately.
And so it goes.

past lives, present lives

2008-12-02T20:03:00.001-08:00

I don't think I've ever talked about reincarnation here, but it is something I believe. Along with reincarnation, I believe in something called pre-birth planning. That basically means we all plan the major & most of the not so major things that occur in this life for the purpose of learning valuable lessons. I just got through the book Courageous Souls: Do We Plan Our Life Challenges Before Birth? by Robert Schwartz. It is a wonderful read, and completely inspiring. It's one thing to believe in pre-birth planning. It's another to read someone's life story and then learn why they chose to go through certain challenges (like alcoholism, paralysis, blindness, or the loss of a loved one), and find out what their souls were hoping to learn from it. I will have to give it another read through just to help sink the message into my being.

A quote from the book concerning things we perceive as tragedy:

There is always a reason...The true measure of a person's evolution is their ability to turn a negative into a positive. To dwell on the negative and use judgment and fear-based thought would not feed the truth of the matter such as this. The concern should always be how to make the most positive use of one's time, whether one's time is in a wheelchair or running a marathon. There is always a positive and negative. Such is the duality of Earth.

...

We would ask those of you who find yourselves thinking judgmental thoughts about the perpetrators of what you see as harm to know that there is always a positive outcome to be served by the misery. We would say to you that misery is the illusion. We would say that people who open a newspaper or turn on their television, see world events, and judge them as negative are simply taking the easy road and not thinking things through. There is always something deeper. There is always something more. There is always meaning. We hope that the examples in this book will help to teach people to think two and three times about the meaning and value of diversity and how it is the catalyst to growth.

page 308

It makes me reflect again on the people I have had in my life. I don't know even half of the reasons why I chose to have various people in my life. I do have a feeling why I have certain members of my family though.

Mother: To teach me that I am not responsible for other people's happiness. To do what I can but not to feel guilty or burdened by her decisions.

Father: To teach me not to rely on anther's words and opinions for self-esteem and self-worth. Yet to love them despite their sometimes seemingly cruel actions.

Brother: Oh boy, he is a toughy. It is literally only this year that I've been able to come to terms with him. To teach me to love someone in spite of actions that I highly disapprove of. To love in spite of actions they have taken against me. Even if it means cutting myself from their life so that I don't reciprocate the negativity said person is living. This past Thanksgiving was the first time in a long, long time that I've been able to spend an evening in his presence, not gripe at him, not take offense from him, and actually enjoy myself because of his company.

My Husband: To help me learn to love myself.

There have been situations that at the time seemed like the worst thing that could be happening to me. But because of those situations I have learned some hard lessons really quickly, and am grateful for them now. They may not have been anything compared to blindness or paralysis, but in my bubble sphere, it was equatable.

nurtured by nature & children

2008-11-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

With the start of a new job I have taken, I now reflect on my time from March (when I left my job) to November. It is odd that during these months while I was scanning for the "big picture," I was unable to see it. I told myself to take the time to feed my spiritual thirst, nurture my soul. I read a number of spiritual books, revisited the Bible, meditated and reflected. At times I was restless & confused, and other times quite restful & content.

About a month or two after I left my job I contacted my cousin who lives in the area. From there a quick and close relationship developed between myself and his family. I helped with the gardening, I babysat the kids, I enjoyed the simple life. That's all it was to me at the time, simple, pure living. I look back and now see that I was being nurtured by my family, though they had no conscious clue. They would actually jokingly apologize for having me over doing work for them all the time. I always said it was my pleasure. It was my pleasure tending the earth, and learning from their children.

I must say that babysitting even just once a week for their children taught me how counterproductive being uptight is. You just can't happily be uptight with children, or in life.

With me taking this new job and having to leave babysitting, I had felt guilt for "abandoning" my family. Before that I had stopped tending the garden for a variety of reasons, partially due to my social uneasiness with returning staff, partially due to re-enjoying being quarantined in the apartment, so to speak. I felt guilty on both fronts.

But now I really think it is just my time to take my new self and set forth on my path once again. After going through Life Boot Camp at my old job, re-cooping & being nurtured over the summer by my family & self, it is time to re-emerge. I do have a dream of being a holistic massage therapist. I wasn't sure it was what I wanted during and after college so I let it go. I started thinking about it again seriously during my last job though. Since then my convictions have only gotten stronger, and now I believe it is time to earnestly pursue this dream.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There is something else to be said of this period where I felt in limbo. I might as well mention it here instead of a new post. During the portions of this time when I felt restless and confused, I wondered if I was wasting my time, my life, with this spiritual stuff. It is normal to have doubts about ones beliefs, and that's what I was having. When you're in a vulnerable position though, it's not particularly helpful and can feel magnified. During these doubts I would wonder if maybe I was a bit crazy. Though these instances were not often at all, and were overcome, they are not enjoyable things to be thinking when you're alone in an apartment and unemployed.

My fluctuating uneasiness with my unemployment has to do with the fact that our society equates one's monetary worth with one's value as a person. The reason I left my job was because I realized I valued my quality of life more than the nice paycheck I was receiving. The summer was a continual test to place my quality of life over the quantity of money I was receiving. My husband can testify that I wasn't Miss Perfect Zen during this test. I was relying on my faith in my spiritual beliefs that this was all for a reason, that I was learning something from this. Through it I gathered strength and resolve.

The day after I had my hasty job interview & was hired, I was reading Sanaya Roman's Spiritual Growth. I got to Chapter 13: Going Through The Void. Let me quote one section here:

The void occurs when you are letting go of an aspect of your personality self that no longer fits who you are becoming. It represents a new level of surrendering your personality to the guidance of your Higher Self; it is the birth of a new part of your Higher Self into this reality.

The void is a state of transition and change.

You will experience the void again and again as you grow. In this state you may feel that your life is changing rapidly, something new is coming, or your foundations are falling away, leaving you nothing solid to hang on to. You may feel like something is happening inside but not see any changes in your life yet. It is not a comfortable place for your personality, which likes things to be certain and secure.

The void can come when you are between projects, have just had your last child leave home, or have quit a job and do not yet know what to do next. One of your close friends may have left or you need to move or find a new home. It sometimes feels like you are entering a new world where the game is played differently and you don't yet know the rules.

pg 128

That pretty much sums up what I was feeling even underneath my restful and content times. I was quite delighted to read this section as I was now emerging from this time. Then yesterday my husband bought me a new book I wanted called Healing Hands by Barbara Ann Brennan. I had already read a few pages at the bookstore the previous day. When he brought it home yesterday the first thing I did was flip to the last page and read this:

When you understand that life is experienced as a pulsation, you expand and feel joyous, you move into the silence of peace, and then you contract. [...] But remember, by the very nature of the expanded high energy state, you will later contract, and feel more of the separated consciousness that is inside of you. The sheer force and intensity of the spiritual energy knocks loose and begins to enlighten the stagnated dark soul substance. As it comes back to life again, you experience it as real. All of its pain, aner and agony. You may say to yourself "Why now I'm worse than I was before I started." Let me assure you that this is not true. You are more sensitive. After experiencing these ups and downs, these expansions and contractions many times for each personal issue, you will find that they do clear away. Months later you will say, "Wow! I don't do that any more."

pg 280

This was speaking again of the conditions one experiences with major change. It was completely reassuring to read this, and the former excerpt, the days after my re-emerging and acceptance of my new job. Then today, while gearing up for my holistic massage therapist dream I visited the website of a massage school I want to attend. I notice they have an open house event where they host a free hour introduction into massage therapy. The date for this event is on my upcoming birthday. Who is to say if this is purposefully symbolic or not, but either way I registered for the event.

throwing in some politics

2008-11-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

Obama victory sparks cheers around the globe

By JOHN LEICESTER, Associated Press Writer
PARIS – Barack Obama's election as America's first black president unleashed a renewed love for the United States after years of dwindling goodwill, and many said Wednesday that U.S. voters had blazed a trail that minorities elsewhere could follow.
Read Rest Here

_____________________________

When it came to American politics, I was a jaded, cynical, wants-to-move-to-Sweden kind of person. I have a negative association with the word "hope." I had no faith in American people. So damn, last night and this morning I am filled with love, hope, and elation. I love the word hope now. I believe change can really happen again. And I have to give mad props to Barack Hussein Obama who flipped my hope switch on. I did not think that was possible. No, I do not think he is going to solve even half of our problems, but I want to and am going to try my damnedest to help out.

my ever continuing challenge

2008-10-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

You can choose peace no matter how others are acting

When you have unhappy emotions, don't think another person caused them. If you are angry, stop blaming another person for making you angry. Instead, work directly with your feelings of anger. Learning about why you are feeling angry will do more to take you higher than trying to figure out how to get the other person to change.

Waiting for others to act in certain ways to be happy is making your happiness dependent upon something outside of yourself.[Underline added] It is turning your power over to other people and allowing them to determine how you feel. Calm emotions come from knowing that what you feel is your choice. You do not want your good feelings to depend upon another person or an outside situation. Put your energy and time into going higher and making your own life work.

-- Spiritual Growth by Sanaya Roman, pg 93

This book and her other book Personal Power Through Awareness are like my holy Bibles. This particular passage is one of the cruxes in my life, and something I work particularly hard on. It has become almost a reflex now for me to question why I feel certain emotions, and to find the root cause of them within myself.

For example, the other night I was telling my husband I wanted to do something special for him just because he's been doing so awesome at work and has just in general been really supportive of me and caring. But then he fired that back at me, saying I already do so much for him that make him feel special, and he would rather do something special for me. It boiled down to him not having any ideas at the moment on what to do for me, and he asked if there was anything I wanted or if I had any ideas. I didn't.

After some more pondering I suggested just buying me some bath supplies. He responded with "Uh huh."

That response actually made me really angry with him. I didn't say anything but I was fuming inside. It's unusual for me to get that angry over petty stuff like that so I started deconstructing why I was feeling this steaming anger over a two syllable comment.

I first determined that I was angry he did not seem excited over my suggestion, or that he even approved of it. I realized I wanted him to want to give me the gift. I didn't want him buying me anything out of some felt obligation. It further boiled to I want him to want to get me gifts. His "uh huh" comment made me feel that he did not want that at all. I haven't dug any further into why I want my husband to want to get me things. I'm guessing it has something to do with me equating it to him loving me or thinking I am worthy, and not letting my value as a soul stand on its own.

Second, his comment made me feel that my suggestion was stupid. Of course it wasn't a stupid suggestion, but I was placing my suggestion's value on whether my husband thought it was the peachiest suggestion on the block. I was not letting my idea be independent from others' opinions. I wanted approval for this small idea I had.

My husband has this uncanny ability of knowing when I am angry and when I am lying about my emotions. So when he asked if I was okay (code for "What's bothering you?") I just stated that I was feeling anger because of his response to my suggestion, but that I knew it wasn't his fault, and I was dealing with it. I used to hide these sort of emotions from him but over time learned it was better to just share them, even if I thought it might upset him.

He responded it wasn't that he thought my idea was stupid, but that he didn't think it was personal or big enough. He then had an idea at that moment and asked if I would like him to do his own surprise idea instead of the bath gifts. We hardly ever surprise each other, so I got excited over that and will be finding out this weekend what it is :)

Anywho, that's just a small example of how I have learned to examine my feelings instead of automatically blaming other people. Of course this is still challenging, especially when other people's actions cause me to think I am stupid. I am more prone to get angry at them and just wallow in my anger at them. I kid you not, I got angry at a lady handing out samples at Whole Foods... I was actually pretty pissed at her because I thought she thought she was better than me, and made me feel rather dumb. I wanted to be angry at her, to try to get a footing on my dignity and ego again. I never really looked deeper into why I got that angry. But I know it was all just Lea issues of feeling inferior and had nothing to do with the sample lady at Whole Foods.

Still, this quoted passage has been invaluable in improving my quality of life and my outlook on human dynamics.

daily inspiration from Dr. Wayne Dyer

2008-10-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

Oct 30:

I meditate every day to nurture my soul.

Meditation gives you the opportunity to come to know your invisible self. It shatters the illusion of your separateness.

Oct 31:

True happiness resides within me.

Most people are searching for happiness outside of themselves. That’s a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way that you think.

Go here for more daily inspirations

divinity found in a bathtub

2008-10-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Baths are underrated. They seem to be viewed as an archaic means of cleaning oneself, or reserved only for children or elderly. But I seriously think much can be gained for one's serenity by taking a simple, quiet bath. I would have laughed at this notion before I started indulging in baths again, but now I urge anyone with a bathtub to take advantage of it.

I live in a simple apartment with an average bathtub, no fancy clawfoot tubs for me. I light a single candle, add some fragrant, moisturizing bath products to the warm water, and set a book down next to the tub. When my body submerges in the warm water, my blissful spirit emerges and says, "Ah, yes, this is wonderful. Thank you for this break." I'm always moved to passively meditate, quiet my mind, and just be. More often than not I read a few chapters from a frivolous chick lit book or a spiritual book. Then once my mind has awoken from its peaceful nap and my muscles have let their guard down long enough to have a siesta of their own, I rise from the tub more lifted & energized than after 8 hours of sleep many times.

It is comparable to the time I received a real massage. I would not have believed how much a massage could release stress and let your spirit soar until I experienced it myself. That is a main reason why I want to become a massage therapist. I don't think massages or baths (anything that lifts the spirit) are frivolous, pretty spa treatments that should be reserved for only those who can afford it. My experiences with them have been freeing and beautiful. Hopefully when I get going on my massage therapist path, I can extend these experiences to the less fortunate. Everyone deserves to have a time out in a serene sanctuary where their spirit can relax and smile a bit.

snail mail

2008-10-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

My stepmom-in-law [further referred to as just stepmom] surprised me by sending me the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Apparently it was featured on Oprah, of which I was unaware. Either way, it was a really good, insightful yet still entertaining read. My mom was interested in it so I passed it on to her. It's a book I recommend and which will make you want to visit Italy & eat dreamy pasta if anything. I also liked her explanation of what God is to her.

This gift spurred me to want to send my stepmom a thank you card. I had several pretty thank you cards that I haven't had a reason to use. I figured why only thank her for the book when I have an opportunity to also thank her for just being the great person and friend she is? And why not just use the rest of my thank you cards and do the same thing for the other loved ones in my life? So that's what I did, with two cards left over. I only included family members but I'm trying to think of who I can use the other two for. I want to mean it to whoever I send them to, not just feel like I should use them up.

I sent them out yesterday. Hopefully it lifts their week a little more.

Still, I have loads of pretty stationary that I always never get around to using. My mom has been in a funk and I thought maybe I can send her some poems that either I like, or she may like, using this stationary. She never gets anything but bills and junk mail (like the rest of us) but she loves the written word. So I will send one and see if she likes it. If so, I have a nice reason to use my stationary.

Quotes

2008-09-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

These are some quotes that help me in particular. I would say the first three quotes are the things I have a hard time with most in my life. But I have been working to better myself, love myself, and know it is all very worth it.

You are not responsible for making other people's lives work; they are.

You don't need to change yourself; you only need to love yourself.

Give all the people in your life permission to be who they are. As you do, you increase your ability to love and accept yourself just as you are.

-Sanaya Roman, Spiritual Growth: Being Your Higher Self

Love and accept who you are, not who you will or should be.

Do not feel responsible for everyone's happiness. Only they can choose it, you cannot choose it for them.

Compassion is the ability to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

-Sanaya Roman, Personal Power through Awareness

am i who i think i am?

2008-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

There are some pages from Being Nobody, Going Nowhere by Ayya Khema that are really speaking to me right now. I would like to type up all three pages but that would be rather cumbersome and possibly infringe on some sort of copyrights. It is difficult to decide which small part to quote but I think this is a good start:

Insight into the constant flux and flow of all phenomena, including ourselves, brings the understanding that there's nothing in this world worth keeping, worth holding on to. Insight releases one from that resistance to other people's viewpoints that can make life so immensely difficult. Other people have other viewpoints. The only answer to that is: "May they live long and happily." Attachment to one's own viewpoint only shows that one hasn't yet grasped impermanence. When one sees constant change in everything, so that one can never really say, "I am this," then a first breakthrough into depth perception happens.

Chapter 9, page 112.

The a large chunk of the sub-chapter The Happiness of Insight, from which this excerpt was taken, discusses how there is no permanent "self." Just like how emotionally we are not always giddy, sad, angry, lonely, the same goes for the how we see ourselves & the viewpoint we have at that moment. In high school I was what you may consider a Republican. I didn't think immigrants from Mexico deserved any sort of rights. I thought ethnicity had nothing to do with a person's current class status. I thought America was the shit and everyone else should back off. My worst folly was that after September 11, 2001, the beginning of my senior year in high school, I was proud that I had already had a prejudice against Muslims before it became a popular prejudice. My aunt had dated someone of that religion who was really bad for her, and so I just ignorantly lumped everyone of that religion together as chauvinist pigs.

But now I am the polar opposite in my viewpoint. I changed. And I am only now starting to not regret thinking what I did in high school. It allows me to better put myself in the shoes of someone else who may think like I used to. My husband has a harder time doing that because he has always, since a child, strongly believed that everyone of every sex, ethnicity, religion and age is equal. He also has always had an analytical mind so that he could see right away that our history effects where we are today, and could see why circumstances of 50, 100, 200 years ago would effect the status of certain ethic groups today. Through him I can better see how what I went through in high school has its positive advantages as well.

So from my own experience of having made radical changes in my viewpoint, I can understand a little easier that our self, our soul, is not defined by our ever changing viewpoint. For all I know, I may read something tomorrow that may sway me to be the most hardcore free market, capitalist in California. I couldn't say that the new Lea is the real Lea, and the high school, college and post-college Lea weren't me. But if I know that the next week or decade I may change again, then what's to say the current viewpoint I hold is Lea. If I do think my viewpoint defines myself, then, as Ayya points out, that means I am a million different Leas all piled atop each other since birth.

Ayya states if you choose "to be that many different people, life becomes even more complicated than if we were none of them. How about choosing to be none of them?"

Ayya best sums up the discussion with this:

This insight is very threatening to our ego concept. Why is that? Because "I" want to be! To be what? To be whom? To be where? For what reason? All are viewpoints, conditioned through our thinking processes. The happiness that arises when one lets go of all that, is the happiness that is embedded in acceptance and peacefulness. Nothing needs to be achieved, accomplished, or changed. All is as it is.

Chapter 9, page 113.

The last two lines link back to the broader Buddhist concept, and are a bit harder to swallow. But it is very relevant to our concept of self as well. It also links back to my post "a perfect misunderstanding."

Lastly, since starting to take up this mode of thinking and not defining myself with my viewpoint, it has made it less difficult to not define others by their viewpoints. And oh my, how easy it is to define others by the viewpoint you don't like. I have a few specific people in my life where I honestly can't have a conversation with them but, because they are family, I must see occasionally. It is definitely a learning exercise trying not to judge and hold that person in contempt. A welcome and needed exercise nonetheless, otherwise I would never interact with anyone I didn't agree with.

the good morning experiement part deux

2008-09-05T13:59:00.001-07:00

I've been riding my bicycle earlier in the mornings now so there aren't as many people walking and I'm zooming by a bit too fast to say "Good morning" to people. But I managed to wish a few people (cycler & pedestirans) just that this morning despite my bike. Really, everyone else initiated the good morning except one. I even had one lady who was walking her dog initiate a wave and good morning as I was riding towards her. That compelled me to wish the other guy further up on the bridge a good morning. I was wondering at first why she wanted to greet me, but then remembered I was smiling (probably like some crazed but happy lunatic) which usually invites others to share in your merriness.

rollercoaster in emoland

2008-09-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

Last night was a doozy. My husband and I got into a disagreement over money (of all things) and had some unhelpful misunderstandings (where I was trying to help at one point and he thought I was antagonizing him). At one point while we were discussing something, and he said he didn't even know why I was acting a certain way, I realized that I didn't know why either. At that moment when I realized that, I just felt blank. Empty. I had no thoughts on the matter but confusion at me being blank. That didn't help much either.

Later, there was a period of time where he was by himself in the bedroom and I in the living room with only my insane thoughts swarming my mind. Whenever there is some sort of tension or heated discussion that results in me crying, I usually place blame and burden upon myself. It's unwarrented and quite ridiculous, but my emotions (when feeling down) tend to snowball into a huge, negative "I'm a horrible person who is driving my husband crazy and will eventually lose him because of my stupidity!!!" catastrophe. Except now I at least recognize what I am doing when in this stage, and eventually try to tell myself to stop these untrue thoughts, that I am not a horrible person, that Aaron loves me no matter what.

After said unpleasantness passed (as all things do), we had a very loving and intimate day today where we talked all evening and made a pact to spend more time together (not just being in the same room, but doing activities that really involve each other). I am glad that this came out of the ride I took through Emoland last night.

And this is just me putting out there that by no means am I where I'd like to be one day mentally, but there is progress. I still have my moments where my emotions freak out like anyone else. But I am also trying to practice mindfulness of these emotions that like to parade around as myself, but really just like to manipulate me into self-destructive actions. Not that all emotions do that, just the ones I have most trouble with.

Ah, the joys of learning :)

the fountain

2008-09-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

I sit here feeling. The feelings are not tangible beyond my body. They course through me, and through billions of other people. They are not objects of mass that a person can pick up & touch, but they are the basis for which many people act out their lives, creating and destroying objects, feeling high and feeling low and passing it unto others.

Sometimes, sometimes doing it before I realize that I am, I imagine the wide array of feelings people go through. I imagine as many scenarios happening in people's lives this very moment, or collectively from the beginning of human history to now. I really try to feel what others are feeling. The odd yet amazing part is it truly feels as though what I feel is what other people were or are feeling. Or when I start to feel a glimpse of new feelings, I can only imagine that someone else felt the same thing, multiplied by 10 or 100.

I prefer when I imagine the collective feelings of our planet. So much pain, so much beauty, beauty in the struggle for happiness, pain in the confusion of the paths people are taking. It's overwhelming & wondrous & utterly, blindingly beautiful. It always moves me to tears and keeps me afloat.

The beauty, the beauty, the blinding beauty of what we all are, were and ever will be.

[inspired by a top ten favorite movie of mine: The Fountain]

the good morning experiment

2008-08-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided that I wanted to say Good Morning to the people I pass while walking home. Usually I do the just-look-straight-ahead thing, and get very nervous or feel awkward when passing people. I will want to say Hello or Good Morning, but then get too caught up in what they might think of me, "Will I just be annoying them?" That sort of stuff.

All in all, it was a great success! I gave out 5 Good Mornings and got 4 back. The last lady was hooked into an ipod or something, and was the only person who seemed slightly annoyed. I also got an unsolicited Good Morning from a cyclist that passed me (and I happily reciprocated), which was the first a cyclist ever talked to me. So that was nice. There was one older fellow who was shirtless and walking towards me. I seriously doubted if I wanted to say anything to him, fearing he was a creepy, potentially belligerent guy that I didn't want to encourage. But when he got closer, he said, "It was just too hot out," with a laugh, which immediately put me at ease, and I gave him a hearty Good Morning. He returned my Good Morning with much enthusiasm too. It was an interaction that I would have avoided at all costs before, but am glad I put myself to the challenge. I just felt happier and lighter after my Good Morning exchanges, especially so after this shirtless guy one.

There were a couple times I didn't say Good Morning because the people were having a conversation or the person looked like they were taking a few moments to enjoy the river view. I was okay with that. So I'll continue to say Good Morning or Afternoon to fellow path walkers, and work my way up to just random people I may see elsewhere.

reminder

2008-08-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

"What have you been putting up with that you would like to change? Start by releasing your attachment to having things remain the same. Embrace the new! Bring higher patterns, new habits, relationships, and positive changes into your life. Decide to stop giving away your power, being a victim, or feeling you have to accept some situation in your life because you have no choice. Connect with your soul and Divine Self. Draw in the strength and courage to make changes you have been wanting to make. Decide to make your life work and take the actions required to do so. Then, as the energies become more intense, you will find them lifting you even higher and expanding your life in new and wonderful ways."
--Orin & DaBen

so fuckin happy

2008-08-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, reflecting & basking in recent experiences, I can honestly say this time in my life is the happiest I have ever been. More so than my wedding day which society labels the happiest day of your life. I could cry from joy.

The apartment is now so easy to clean.

Aaron's into his second week at a job he's loving.

The farm job is the first ever job where I don't feel it's a job. I feel like I am getting paid to have fun & learn.

My body is getting in good shape quickly from the farming & biking routine.

I have successfully abstained from alcohol even when Aaron buys some.

I work 4 extra hours a week to earn a weekly bag of seasonal, organic veggies, eggs, garlic & etc which has made our eating habits way healthier.

I have family here that I actually like, get to see a lot & have fun with.

So thank you Spirit, God, Allah, Yahweh, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Me, for this peaceful, beautiful period in my life.

And thank you for this Ranch Dip Recipe! I've been making my own ranch so give it a shot if you want something better than the store's:

* approx 1/4 cup Spectrum Naturals Eggless Vegan Light Canola Mayo
* approx 1/4 cup Organic Valley sour cream (a bit less than the mayo)
* tad bit of water to thin it
* 2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
* 1 tablespoon chopped fresh dill
* 2 chopped garlic cloves
* dash of cayenne pepper
* dash of onion powder

Ingredients can be adjusted to taste.
The longer you let it sit, the more the flavors seep throughout. I just finished eating it with farmed tomatoes, lemon cucumbers and carrots, divine!

wax & wane

2008-08-07T12:31:00.000-07:00

Lately I had been feeling stuck. As though life & my learning was moving at a snail's pace and I was impatient to get moving already. In March, April, May and beginning of June my life felt like such a whirlwind of change & progress, all of which ebbed & settled into what I have now. Now I am okay with that. In my head I had these plans to start massage school right away, and the more into the year I saw that may not happen, the more irritated & concerned I became. It will happen one day, just not as soon as I had planned. Until then, I should not and will not let that sully the perfect days I am living at the moment.

I appreciate now the slower, comfortable pace of the snail. I am not lacking or wanting anything. The part-time jobs I now have are perfect for me. I do not even consider the farm to be work since it's just so much fun & fulfilling for me. Babysitting a 2 yr old & 5 1/2 year old for 9 hours is work, but I enjoy that as well, and am learning quite a lot from it. Plus, it benefits my cousin's family nicely.

My husband just got a job that is second best to what his dream job is, and can still support both of us very comfortably.

So now I will take this time to appreciate the nuances of this less chaotic life.

unemployed & stir-fry mayhem

2008-07-11T21:39:00.000-07:00

My husband has been unemployed for almost 2 weeks and it has not been stressing us in the least.

Granted we do have a nice chunk of cash in the bank so we can pay the bills, but I think I would still have been stressing about it if a younger version of myself was experiencing this.

Not so with Version 2008 Lea. We have truly been enjoying this time together without a worry attacking us. My husband is actively looking for jobs but there is no point stressing about "What if...."s since whatever is going to happen will happen. All we can do is try our best & see what becomes of it.
.....................................................................

On a different note, my husband and I occasionally go to this small cafe/diner. As far as we can tell the owner/chef is the only one who works there (I think we saw his wife there once working too). It's not a chic place & with the little business it gets I don't know how it stays open. However the man who works there is always all smiles and warms our hearts.

Today we ate there & were the only ones in the place. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich with fries and my husband ordered a chicken stir-fry. It took a little while before the man came out with our food since he was the only one cooking it. He gently placed the tray with my food, a ketchup bottle & cup of water in front of me, and my husband's stir-fry in front of him. I was smiling & saying thank-you when I reached for my water. Suddenly, before I realize what's happening, I knock my cup over and drown my husband's stir-fry & rice. I gasp and am just flabbergasted that I knocked my water over like that. The man had worriedly asked if I was okay since I had gasped, then takes the water logged plate away to cook up a replacement.

Man, I felt so bad! I wanted to cry for ruining the food this sweet, older man who sits in his cafe & reads the paper when there aren't any customers had cooked. It reminded me of a time in Santa Cruz when I saw this elderly man on the bus. He looked endearingly cute with a worn, tweed jacket, gold wedding band and a red backpack. Either later that night or within a few days we saw that same old man in downtown Santa Cruz. Except this time he was holding a cardboard sign asking for money because his family was going through hard times. His head was hung low looking embarrassed to be asking for money. Straight away my husband and I went to the ATM and pulled out a $20. But by the time we got back to give it to him, he was gone. I walked up & down downtown, trying to look down side streets, to find him but I never did. Nor did I ever see him down there again. It really broke my heart. I felt I had let him down somehow.

So that's somewhat how I felt in the cafe for ruining the food. My husband comforted me, saying we can't control everything that happens otherwise we wouldn't learn nearly as many lessons, if any at all. I reminded myself several times I didn't do it on purpose. The man came back smiling with a new plate of stir-fry & I was able to eat without feeling that heavy, tear-inducing guilt. I still would have rather it that I didn't spill my water, but felt that nothing was worse for it. When we left I gave him a tip equal to how much the second plate of stir-fry cost, which made him smile even wider & thank me.

a complete 180

2008-06-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

Astonishment & disbelief were what I first felt when I learned today that the job my husband really wanted, the one we were told he had, the one we had packed half our apartment & reserved a room in Santa Cruz ready for a move on Tuesday--when we learned that he didn't have that job anymore. At least there is now no definite date as to when the university will hire anyone for it.

This all meant that we were not moving to the town we really wanted to go. We had just spent $90 on a storage unit we did not need. And that my husband now has no job waiting for him after tomorrow.

Yes, it blew me and my husband away. He's more recovered now. I was numb for a bit but I think I'm on the right road to recovery. It was just a boatload of change for the span of two weeks.

It was funny too because when I wrote my previous post (before this news came) I thought I shouldn't think in future terms such as "I will miss..." because I have no way of knowing really what the future holds. How do I really know I will miss something? How do I really know I will be in a different town next week? I don't. So I should focus instead on appreciating things in their moments, not of what feelings I may possibly be feeling should certain events possibly happen.

basil, beans & a preying mantis

2008-06-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day volunteering at my cousin's farm. As I arrived I stopped at the apricot tree and picked two juicy, plump apricots. Delicious. Then I found my cousin. As I waited for him to finish washing his hands, I petted the cow some. I daresay she liked it since she put her head through the fence so she could be closer to me.

I harvested a couple rows of basil, which were planted alongside some green bean rows. God, it was so peaceful & beautiful. It's very smokey here due to the California fires, but the sun still managed to cast beautiful, warm rays of light across the basil, the grass & the other plots of thriving vegetables. The basil aroma was quite therapeutic too as I snipped the delicate basil stems. While snipping I happened to come across a very small & incredibly cool preying mantis! Later I escorted another preying mantis away from the basil cooler and into some other greenery. Maggie, a dog, would come visit me every once in a while too. I will miss the animal interaction very much.

There was a moment where I stopped, gently leaned back into the blossoming, light purple green bean flowers with their tiny pods growing long, breathed in the freshly snipped basil aroma, took in the rows upon rows of lettuces, tomatoes, potatoes and what have you that the sun was blessing with light, and just smiled. It truly was perfect.

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata", Copyright 1952

2008-06-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

ego freak-out

2008-06-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, did I have an ego freak-out or what? This past Saturday I read a few bits from Being Nobody, Going Nowhere by Ayya Khema. It spoke of Equanimity (Even-minded, like a go with the flow mindset) vs. Indifference (along with a few other topics) in Chapter 4. For whatever reason, my ego flipped out on me. For about 15-30 minutes (or longer) I questioned what I had been doing for the past 4 years.

Was I really a better person now?
Was I doing this all wrong & screwing up myself?
Was I really just indifferent instead of even-minded?
Was I really just hurting people and being cold & callous?
Was I being selfish in not being what others wanted me to be?

Did I just waste 4 years of my life cultivating my mind in this manner?

Thankfully my husband was here too. He asked if I thought any of this was true, what was my solution to it? I said I didn't know, my thoughts hadn't gone that far. He said the ego will give you no solutions, just problems. Afterwards he meditated (I always typo 'medicated' & have to correct it), and I did the same. I like to do light visualization meditations, and this one refreshed me back to my giddy, airy, light self.

I haven't had those depressed feelings in a while. I have experienced depressed emathy recently, but not the depressed where you feel really desolate & hopeless as though it's really you/yoursoul that's feeling it. It was nice being able to "snap" out of it. Back in high school, it took a few years before the depression subsided.

And so onward I continue, whether my ego likes it or not.

Gandhi's autobiography

2008-06-02T17:44:00.000-07:00

I started reading Gandhi An Autobiography. I have owned the book for years but for some reason never started reading it. I am convinced the reason is because I wouldn't have understood it nearly as clearly as I do now.

What's funny is I started it two Fridays ago. A week passed before I read any more. During this week I made a vow (one could say) to stop drinking alcohol. The second Friday, when I picked the book up again, Gandhi was talking about how his vows (ie: vegetarian diet, non-consumption of alcohol, monogamy, celibacy) have been liberating to him. On this topic I'm not very eloquent so let me quote the passage that resonated with me deeply:

The importance of vows grew upon me more clearly than ever before. I realized that a vow, far from closing the door to real freedom, opened it. Up to this time I had not met with success because the will had been lacking, because I had had no faith in myself, no faith in the grace of God, and therefore, my mind had been tossed on the boisterous sea of doubt. I realized that in refusing to take a vow man was drawn into temptation, and to be bound by a vow was like a passage from libertinism to a real monogamous marriage. 'I believe in effort, I do not want to bind myself with vows,' is the mentality of weakness and betrays a subtle desire for the thing to be avoided. Or where can be the difficulty in making a final decision? I vow to flee from the serpent which I know will bite me, I do not simply make an effort to flee from him. I know that mere effort may mean certain death. Mere effort means ignorance of the certain fact that the serpent is bound to kill me.[bold added] The fact, therefore, that I could rest content with an effort only, means that I have not yet clearly realized the necesity of definite action. 'But supposing my views are changed in the future, how can I bind myself to a vow?' Such a doubt oftern deters us. But that doubt also betrays a lack of clear perception that a particular thing must be renounced. That is why Nishkulanand has sung"

'Renunciation without aversion is not lasting.'

Where therefore the desire is gone, a vow of renunciation is the natural and inevitable fruit.

(Last paragraph of Part III, Chapter 7- pg 207)

This is what I felt when I woke up last Monday at 3:00AM, my mind clear and my body horribly intoxicated, when I decided I was not going to consume alcohol anymore. I just spent this past weekend sober, the first weekend sober in a long while.

If I had read that Gandhi passage before I took my own vow, I know I would not have really understood what he was saying. But it was simply amazing to read over those words and to really feel the new truth I felt in them. My vow for sobreity liberates me from my ego's desire to get drunk. The part of me that loves myself does not want to trash my body anymore, and by taking this vow, I am free to carry on with my life without giving my ego any reason to indulge in "just one drink" with friends on a Friday night...which inevitably turns into two, and then three drinks every Friday night, and then maybe Saturday too....and why not an occasional weekday too to help with the stress?...

No, I am free from that.

falling in place

2008-06-02T17:29:00.001-07:00

A few radical changes have been made this past month, but it doesn't seem radical since the previous months have been leading up to it.

Let me preface with some history: Late 2007 until early 2008 I was working a job that turned into a stressful nightmare. But it forced me to do a lot of things I would never have comfortably done before. It really made me grow quick. The ultimate lesson I learned from it is love for myself is first in my life. I didn't want to sacrifice my life & happiness just to satisfy a job or society.

After I left the job in March, I became a stay at home wife. I really wanted to take this time for myself, to recover, to detox, to heal & to learn more. And more than less I've been doing that. A month ago I decided to contact a cousin of mine that I knew lived in the area. I've known this for months and months, but just never contacted him. He was happy to hear from me and invited me over for dinner with his wife and two young daughters.

After that things quickly started falling into place. I was looking for a part time job because I felt ready to go beyond my shell again. My cousin's wife at this moment needed a new babysitter since the one she was using was moving. Babysitting is a job I've always wanted to do since I love kids, but couldn't since most businesses want education credits. My cousin offered me a summer gig in his garden to help weed & maintain it. This is another thing I've always wanted to do, being hands on with earth & such, but never had the opportunity or desired skills for it. My cousin's family have quickly and quite comfortably been added to our life here. Had I contacted them months ago, I'm not sure the same outcome would have happened. I was super stressed and probably would have felt too drained to maintain a relationship with them. Who knows though.

Either way, it's been a very pleasant change to my life.

a new leaf

2008-05-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

It was only a week ago that I said this:

Then I start thinking that maybe I should just stop drinking. We usually drink 2, sometimes 3 times a week, majority being the weekend. But I can never imagine myself actually giving it up. Cutting back, yes, and I should. But never fully giving it up. Sigh.

3:00AM Monday morning [5/26] I decided I was going to give up drinking. Wasn't something I planned on at all in this life, let alone so soon after those italicized words. It was 3:00AM Monday morning when I woke up in bed with my clothes on and did not remember how or why I was in bed. The last memory I had was being on the patio with my husband, drinking & conversing having a good time and it was still daylight. It appeared I had a blackout again due to alcohol. 3 beers & 3 strong margaritas had been consumed.

I learned later from my husband that we had been out talking & whatnot, when I suddenly said I didn't feel good, and came inside to lay down. I'm glad I did fall asleep because I felt like shit when I woke up.

So it was then, with an intoxicated body but a clear mind that I said I never wanted to blackout again, never wanted to put my body through this hell voluntarily again. After I have one drink I can't stop myself from having more. But I can choose to not have that first drink in the first place.

Then I actually grew somewhat excited at the prospect of being free from alcohol. There's always that slight pressure to have a drink if everyone else is. People think it especially odd if you do drink but turn down having one while everyone else is liquoring up. But now that I will have the "I don't drink" line on my side + my family's history with alcoholism, I won't feel the need to buckle and have "just one drink" like everyone else.

Yay for my body. It's quite happy now.

just do it, eh?

2008-05-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite the learning experience, quite an amazing day. I've been reading a few things on emotional telepathy for some time now; about picking up other people's energy and cultivating a method to not be affected by others' negative energy. One new thing I read was when you first wake up, consciously reflect on how you feel. Usually I'm quite optimistic, rejuvenated and imagine grand things I can accomplish for the day. (Though when I was working my previous, super stressful job I'd wake up with dread. That's a different issue, but definitely a sign you need to detox & relax.) How I feel when I first wake up is what my energy is when it's basically just my own. The book Personal Power Through Awareness offers a few exercises like accessing how different people make you feel when you are around them, or about to see them. See what kind of thoughts crop up when you're around certain people or at certain places that normally wouldn't occur to you at home. Another thing I read in it was how usually the people you are closest to are easier to pick things up from, (probably something to do with how much empathy you have for them versus others).

That's all background for my cool day yesterday.

So I woke up all bright-eyed and happy. My husband went off to work and I stayed home, was awake for a little while, and then went back to sleep. When I woke up again I just couldn't get myself into "me" mode, like my personality was detached and some depressed person stepped in my body. Now I was sad the previous night due to my drunken state. But I didn't think that could be causing this lethargic, just empty state I was in. I spent the whole day sleeping or being a depressed grouch when awake. I spoke to my husband for a little while during lunch, but he wasn't in a good mood either, so I basically hung up on him & went to sleep. At one point during the day I thought maybe I was picking up on my husband's energy or something because this was just really unusual for me. It wasn't until 4:00 PM that I really got up, got dressed, the usual, though I was still feeling empty.

Despite my state, I knew I wanted to get some chores done. So I took out the trash, started the dishes, just going through the motions at least. It was when I was stirring the mac & cheese that I really told myself "just be happy." It was as if the clouds dispersed and the sun finally started shining. I truly felt happy in an instant. I even started laughing it was so incredulous & genuine. I've done that numerous times before but this was the most dramatic time so it just felt really cool.

Hardly a few minutes later my husband came home. While eating dinner I asked, "Have you ever just told yourself to be happy and were amazed when it just happened?" He relayed that that is what he was thinking when he was driving home. He said he was depressed at work today (and had been for the last couple work days), and realized he was letting himself be depressed. He's working a job that, although it's a good job with good people, he is not passionate about it. I knew he was stressed at work again, but not that he was getting into a depressed mood over it. I told him how I thought I was feeling that today because it was just a really weird, foreign day for me. We did some other stuff later that confirmed we could, and probably were, experiencing each others energy & feelings.

For the rest of the evening though I was just happy and my husband was in a positive mood too.

I don't know how to fully express how interesting yesterday's experience was, but I was glad to have gotten to go through it. All day I had been in a funk and in an instant I made a 180 degree turn around mentally. Twas quite dramatic & exhilarating.

It makes me want to focus even more on cultivating positive energy and sharing that with the world.

right & left, left & right

2008-05-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

After reading My Stroke Of Insight the other day, a cluster of ideas kept my mind awake last night. In her book she talks about the difference & functions of the right side & left side of the brain. Right side being focused on creativity, peace, oneness [along those lines] and left being focused on logistics, plans, self-interest, functioning. (Again, best if you read the book than just take my word on this.) Before I read that book I created another blog where I just type mundane, day to day crap, even ranting & complaining some in it. So last night I realized I could compare my two blogs to the two sides of my brain: New Blog = Left, This Blog = Right.

In the book and in other readings I've done, particularly Dan Millman books, there is talk of the need to balance your life. Jane Bolte Taylor (Stroke book) presents it in a more scientific way of balancing your left & right side. If you're just living from the right side, you couldn't get anything phyically accomplished, couldn't communicate with others who were using their left side, and couldn't function as a "normal" person in this society. But if you spend too much time functioning from your left side, you'll be really stressed, unhappy, obsessed with things that don't truly matter, and possibly too self-centered. You need to balance.

Dan Millman presents it in a more spiritual but practical manner of "head in the clouds, feet on the ground." There is a reason why he's a reknowned author and I'm not, so I encourage anyone to read some of his work & not directly take my words as his.

Both authors offer awesome techniques on how to accomplish this & why it's for everyone's betterment that we try.

I guess I'm more reflecting here than making a point. But the combination of Millman's books with Taylor's book really struck a cord in me.

her stroke of insight

2008-05-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading My Stroke Of Insight by Jane Bolte Taylor, PhD.

Quite awesome and an easy, short read. Though by no means short of inspiration, truth & general awesomeness.

Watch this short, fascinating lecture to get a glimpse of what the book is about. Just watching this lecture it quite awe-inspiring itself.

go with the flow

2008-05-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

I intend, I intend, I intend.

I intend to go with the flow. I have read and believe that stress is created when you resist what is happening. As in, say you receive an unexpected $1600 bill in the mail and you simply don't know how you're going to pay it. You're going to get stressed worrying about what to do, agonizing Why Oh Why Did This Happen, and nothing will be the better because of your stress.

This example is happening to me and my husband. Actually this particular Random High Bill In The Mail happens to us on a cycle it seems, so we obviously still need to learn something from this. Anywho, at first we would get really stressed out about it, especially when we were in college with literally NO money to our names. But once we accepted the situation, stopped resisting, and instead calmly tried to figure a way to move forward, money fell into our laps one way or another.

My husband and I did spend about 48 hours bitching and lamenting about this situation, but now we're in the move forward phase. And we know we didn't need to bitch and lament, that we were attached to some self-pitying and vocalizing frustration with a certain woman who had a hand in creating this bill. I intend to one day not feel we have to go through that extra, negative step. I do congratulate ourselves on not spending a week or whatever moaning & groaning.

During the initial shock & frustration period, there was one phrase that helped put me back at center: This too shall pass.

That's one reason I want to tattoo it on my forearm. It is a reminder I wouldn't mind having around all the time. And it really does help me keep perspective.

At the end of the day, though, it's all for a reason.

I intend to learn from it.

a perfect misunderstanding

2008-05-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Right off the bat, I believe we are all perfect. We can change our behavior, how we view the world & situations, change our physical appearances, and before, during & after all this, we are still perfect. Why? The answer to that is a whole other conversation, but for me it's basically that we are here to learn important lessons. We are acting and thinking in whatever fashion at the moment to learn something.

Now what saddens/confuses/frustrates me (depending on my mood) is when people think that if they thought of themselves as perfect, it would lead to dangerous behavior; that they would think themselves superior to others & commit mass genocide; that they would sit around all day becoming lazy & soft.

I think what some people think is if they are perfect, that status somehow makes them superior. When really, we are all equally perfect. For if we view others as perfect and equal as ourselves, and we love ourselves truly hence loving others truly, dangerous behavior would not arise.

Instead loving, compassionate acts would spill forth because we would want to help ourselves and others. We wouldn't want to sit around the TV all day for the rest of our lives because that would be unloving for our mental and physical well being. Rather we would want to show respect for our bodies & minds and keep ourselves fit.

If you viewed another human being as equal as you, then you would not want to harm, abuse, or oppress them. You would want to be kind, help when you could, and they would understand when you couldn't.

At the moment, I am saddened when I hear the excuses people come up with for why they can't love themselves wholly or think themselves perfect. They think if they did, they would get "worse," in fact it's the opposite. But I remember I used to think like that as well, and here I am now. So there is hope. Anyone can change.

keep the peace

2008-05-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

I just got done reading a hell of a book: Rogue State by William Blum. I would suggest reading it. Many critique it as being one sided (which it is), the topics and facts being taken out of context (probably true) and criticizing the fact Blum doesn't have any "real" qualifications to write about American diplomatic affairs. However, the same goes for the history books that are in our public schools and reported "news" on various media networks. So take what you can from this book, do some research of your own and form your own opinions, that is what I suggest.

In any event, after reading this hellific book, I felt tremendous despair. I was mentally paralyzed, not knowing how to think or what to do next. And then my mental training started to kick in. I prayed (in the nonreligious sense) and thought of peace. I hoped for peace for humanity. I thought of love, of the positive things we are capable of. Some of my cynicism did kick in still, and I joked about never wanting to pay taxes again. But in the long term, I will still pray for peace. I will do what I personally can to contribute to a positive cause. I can't save the world by myself, but I can help it by loving myself and my fellow humans, even the ones that sometimes trigger my despair.

Love your face

2008-04-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

Since high school I have had very noticeable acne, which of course was one of the banes of my existence. Even into and after college a fair amount still persisted. I felt this was wholly unfair, as I was always told it would go away when I became an adult. During these years I tried a variety of face washes, scrubs, what-have-you. Sometimes the blemishes were reduced but never enough to my satisfaction. I am 23 now. A few weeks ago I decided to stop hating my face, and to just love & accept it. This was the only face I had and I was wasting time & energy hoping for a different one. Miraculously after consciously making an effort to love my body & face, the blemishes started to drastically go away. My face to smoother and clearer than it has been since the late 1990s. I had no expectation that this would happen but it sure is welcome. Even if the blemishes come back, I will still love my face, and continue to make a conscious effort if I feel my love wavering.

laundry

2008-04-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

I did a large load of my husband's T-shirts yesterday. When he got home he thanked me but that did not satisfy me. I had expected him to jump for joy that he now had 15 clean shirts to wear and rejoice at seeing old shirts he had forgotten about. I thought he would think it close to a miracle that I had washed all these shirts. Later yesternight I realized I had these expectations and was attached to the ecstatic outcome I expected from him. I realized that and consciously let that go. Instead I reoriented my focus on the fact I did something nice for my husband and wouldn't have to go scrounging for shirts early in the morning before heading off to work. I also then found it funny that such a menial thing like laundry could affect me so if I let it.

Introduction

2008-04-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hello. This website is a place for me to share reflections I have on life (using my life in particular as the prime example). I have made this public on the off-chance someone comes across this and it starts them pondering things they hadn't thought of before.